Lord, I am SO tired... How LONG can this go on!?

Well I've been working in a coal mine, going down down... Working in a coal mine....... ahem... sorry.

As I've stated before, this is the longest I've ever kept a single journal. There are dys where (I'm going to leave that typo in... you wouldn't believe how many I've already had and I'm just on the second sentence) I'm so busy rushing around and other days where I just don't feel up to "sharing" that I don't blog. But, I always come back to it.

Funny thing is, you'd be surprised at how many things don't make it into the blog. Take the John Doe incident, for instance. Over the weekend and while driving home from KC, I must have started five or six entries in my head. At least half of them dissolved before I had an opportunity to commit them to the ones and zeros that are the internet. The other half battled it out in my brain on the always uninteresting drive home. In the end, the Greyhound bus driver was just too unexpected not to mention.

I'm constantly doing that. Taking an experience and wondering to myself how I would describe it in my blog. It's a fun exercise and I think it helps my writing... not that I think I've found that "voice" I mentioned so many entries ago.

(MAN! Is the backspace key getting a workout tonight!!)

The past two weeks have been exhausting. I was explaining this to Kevin and he mentioned that another person in our organization couldn't understand why I was so stressed. "It's not like, when something goes wrong, they blame him or anything," he's reported to have said. That's not the point. I'm just juggling so many balls right now that keeping track of them is spiritually draining. Even when they become a blur and I get in the zone, I'm still exhausted by the end of the day.

Here's the interesting thing... I've been off anti-depressants for at least two months, now (right about the time we really started ramping up) and I don't miss the crutch. (That's what it had become, a crutch. It wasn't at first, though.) Sure, I feel like collapsing and letting it all out sometimes but I have control of it rather than the other way around.

I want to stick it out but I'm really so overwhelmed that I'll jump ship if the right opportunity comes along. The good thing, though, is that my managers recognize how much we are all doing (mostly because they're putting forth similar effort) and have been very good lately at handing out praise at the right moment.

Before I start rambling too much, I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack.

Thank you for your support...