Life Stroke

I have a friend named Chris. He's a few years older than I am - more than two and less than ten, I think. Last week, he had a very small stroke. It was so small that they had to do two scans to see it. (I use the term small because I don't think any stroke could be considered "minor.")

Chris was telling us that his doctor had told him that he would likely have episodes where he might get confused or forgetful as his brain ran into the damage and worked to reroute the signals (that's probably not accurate but that's how I understood what he said). Chris also told us that he'd already had an episode.

"Yeah, on Sunday I forgot how to walk." He had our attention, then continued, "I was walking behind the library and suddenly stopped. I couldn't remember where I was or what I was doing. It took me a few minutes to get going again."

As I lay in bed this evening, that got me to thinking. Maybe my life has had a stroke.

As I go through life, I sometimes just stop and wonder where I am. I know I'm facing East and I can look behind me to the West and realize that is where I've come from but I'm not sure where I'm going or why I ended up in this particular spot. Sometimes I cannot recall the last few steps I've taken and wonder just how many of those forgotten steps there were. I will stand and take stock of what I have. I can wiggle my fingers and blink my eyes and I have no trouble breathing in and out. At times, I will continue East - simply because that must be the direction I was heading because that is the direction I am facing - take a few more steps then stop again and wonder where I am headed.

Am I on the right path?
If I'm not, what path should I be on?
Did I even have a destination in mind when I started this journey?

It's like reading a book, looking down and seeing the page number and wondering where the pages in between where you started reading and where you are went.

It all makes me wonder about those people you see who seem to have their lives all mapped out. When they were young, they would tell anyone who asked, "I want to be a policeman" or a fireman or a dancer or a musician or whatever and that is what they do. When you ask them as adults they will tell you, "I've wanted to do this all of my life." It makes me wonder if I missed something. Was I absent during the divine career day? Did I turn my head at the wrong moment when I was a child and miss the "thing" going by that should have made me say, "I want to do that!"? Do I have C.A.D.D. (career attention deficit disorder)? (ooh, shiny!) Or is it that I find wonder and excitement in so many things that I want to experience it all?

So far in my life, I have been a grocery sacker (yes, they used to pay people to sack your groceries and carry them to your car for you), a dishwasher, a pizza cook, a short-order cook, an audio production specialist, a radio DJ, a video producer, a retail sales associate, a retail shift manager, a computer technician, a technical trainer, and an email specialist. In my hobbies, I am a writer, a photographer, a movie critic, and a collector of sound bytes. I have a unique blend of skills and experience that are useful to my current employer. But, what do I want to do with those skills? Where are they taking me? I have never been the type of person who could open up the classified section of the newspaper and look for keywords like programmer or editor or system administrator. I always seem to be in between descriptions.

To give you an idea what I am talking about, I attended Lotusphere a couple of years ago. Lotusphere is a convention for people who use Lotus Notes. As I walked through the exhibit floor looking at the various products I kept getting asked the same question, "Are you a developer or an administrator?" (meaning, do you develop programs in Lotus Notes or do you administer a Lotus Notes server?) The answer is that I am neither of these things but those are the two aspects of Lotus Notes that everyone focuses on. By the end of the week, I had come up with the answer, "I'm in end-user support." I'm between those two worlds and, when giving my rather innovative response, I was usually met with blank stares.

Here's the thing, though. Where I work, both the developers and the administrators rely on me and my unique skills. I know where I fit in this situation. The problem is, nobody advertises for a "Lotus Notes End-user Support Specialist."

I guess I'll just keep heading East for the moment and hope my life works a path around the damage and I end up where I'm supposed to be. It usually works out that way anyway so I really don't know what I'm worrying about.

Say goodnight, Gracie. Goodnight, Gracie.