Monday, July 21, 2008

Double Negative

I have a journal at home. It started out as a regular journal and was much like TIAMH is. I started it about 6months before I started blogging.

Since then, it has slowly migrated into a negativity journal. I only write in it the thoughts I must put into words but cannot share here. It makes me cry to read it. It has all the bad things that happened on our way to Idaho and while we were there and on the way back. It has all the worries and fears and anger that I cannot express anywhere else.

Two days ago I felt, for all that we've endured over the past two, three, five years, I am happy. I am happy to be with my wife. I am happy about our home. I am glad that my job is not a stress sandwich. Now I don't know where that has gone.

I don't want this life. I am still grateful for all of these things but I am ready for things to get better. I am ready for something to change for the better. I am ready for something that makes me feel fulfilled rather than just wearing me out. I am ready to find the life of fulfillment that God has planned for me.

I'm sorry. I just wrote something in the other journal and made the mistake of reading some past entries. I needed to air out some different feelings and I'm doing a little better now.

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