Thursday, May 08, 2014

Fear And Anger

I am looking for my greatness.
Will my star shine bright or will I let it continue to be dim?
I am afraid.
If I hold back I will waste potential.
If I try too hard I may burn out and end up as a black hole.
I hold myself back.
I lie to myself that the resources are finite and I must not use them up. There is only so much I can use.
But when I lie I only increase my own resistance. I excuse myself from trying.
I know that the resources are replenished with each attempt - successful or not. Failure is always an option.
But I am afraid.
I want to throw everything into the fire and let it explode in spectacular fashion but it doesn't work like that.
Like gunpowder outside of a bullet it fizzles in a brief, anticlimactic poof.
I do not like the slow burn.
I want to see the elephant devoured not eaten one small bite at a time.
I am frustrated by my desire for quick results.
I fear I will lose interest and walk away from my greatness without ever knowing it.
I have done many things that I thought would grow if I only gave them attention only to find I'm not very good at them.
I try something else and it, too, withers.
Why do I stop when things get difficult?
Why do I never practice?
I took piano lessons for six years and never got past the simplified versions of the sheet music.
I want things to come naturally, to just happen. I know it doesn't really happen like that. All examples of greatness are stories of hard work and dedication.
I am afraid.
I have taken the next step in my perceived evolution and have failed miserably. More than once.
I like the low-hanging fruit but I'm truly not afraid to climb the tree... if I can see how to reach what I want. The fat, juicy, ripe fruit at the top of the canopy is so far out of site that I don't want to reach for it for fear of getting to the top only to find sour fruit or none at all. All the time ignoring the spectacular view.
I'm going to climb. I don't know where I will end up.

I started trying to write something prophetic here. An organized, insightful revelation of my thought processes so far. I took the first step, why not just take the second? The truth is it's not organized - as you can see. So this was just a stream of consciousness thing. I stopped where I did because I was starting to get angry with myself for telling myself it is better to have false, inaccurate limits than unreachable goals (that really aren't unreachable).

Maybe next time I should make a list of my accomplishments. A list of the things I know how to do, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Maybe that will help me see that I'm shining brighter than I think I am.

1 comment:

Aunt Murry said...

You need to know that some days getting out of bed is the greatest accomplishment that you can muster that day. Other times, you will set the world on fire. Practice delayed satisfaction. It worked for me.