Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Direction Of The Wind

It's about 20 minutes until 2 am. A little less than an hour ago, I awoke to the sound of a dog scrambling from under the bed and trotting out into the hall. I snapped out of bed to find JD at the back door. He was throwing up so I let him out. It took me twenty minutes to convince him to come back inside. All he wanted to do was lie in the grass, with the remains of the rain dripping on him from the roof.

I lay back down myself after feeding him a dramamine and getting him back inside. Our rest was to be short lived. I just let him back out for the same reason. I am surprised because Friday seemed to be a very good day for him. He ate probably 1/3 - 1/2 of a can of dog food in two sittings, he drank water - not as much as he should but he drank, and he moved about much better than he did on Thursday.

There have been a lot of tears in this house over the past 48-60 hours but I'm not crying now. He obviously doesn't feel well and I am heartbroken to see him this way but I think I am beginning to accept the inevitable. Each time I walk past him, I check for signs of life - a raised head, a quick flick of the tail, or even just breathing.

The sign on the church down the street reads, "No act of love is ever wasted." I have to wonder if my attempts to make him more comfortable and to bring him home are an act of love or selfishness. I wonder if he would be doing better if I had the other medicines*. I wonder if the vet suggested the medicines just to give me something to do to feel as though I were helping. I wonder - and doubt - if he will make it two more weeks to get home.

Why did this have to happen now? Why did this have to happen where there is no one with whom we have created trust to help us? Why does it have to be so difficult to make any adjustments in this crazy town? I firmly believe that the universe tends to unfold as it should, I just wish it would stop unfolding on me for a little bit.

*I didn't get the other meds yet because the vet clinic is on a professional retreat until Monday and we would have to start from scratch (sans the x-rays, I have digital copies of them) to get them from another vet.

No comments: