Clueless

When you get in on a new site early enough, you get to pick your favorite user ID. When I signed up for gmail I managed to get everyone's favorite first initial and last name. Score!

This triumph has not come without its difficulties. I get misdirected email all the time. Often, it is for my father who has the same address but appended information onto the end of it. These I simply forward to him. But I also get emails for Jerrys, Janes, Joannes, Joes, etc. The ones that make me laugh, however, are the ones where people don't know their own email address. I have received numerous requests for email confirmations and even a couple of emails with bank account login information.

Usually when I get one of these emails the exchange is very simple. I somehow let them know they have an incorrect address, I get an oops message and we both go on with with our lives. Yesterday was an exception and I couldn't resist having a little bit of fun.

Original message -

Subject: Are you ignorming[sic] me???

You can't ignore me because you don't like what I have to say!!! If you are going to play that game we are going to have HUGE issues.

I think I have sucked up a lot of the years. I'm not needy, nor am I dependent. I dont' ask for daily phone calls or text messages. I do expect more than a one line email.

I am feeling very alienated and I am very upset about it.

My reply: Do I know you? [I couldn't resist sending a 1-line email]

Message 2 -

Yes!!! You know me. Don't be a wise guy.

I need to talk to you. I have to coordinate furniture. [name withheld] wants me to schedule a mover to pick up the bedroom set. I need to have my stuff put in storage. Do you have room in your unit, or do I need to get another one? I'm also trying to coordinate new carpeting in my place.

At this point I would like you to notice that there are no signatures on these emails so I have no idea what this person's name is. Next, her being so clueless, I decide to have a little bit of fun. My thought is to go so far out that it will be obvious that something is amiss.

Okay. Busted. How could I ever forget that wild night in Cabo? I never knew one person could take that much pain and enjoy it so much.

The response I received was, to say, unexpected.

Hahahahahah, you are sooo funny.

While you are out galavanting around South America I'm trying to coordinate real life. Can you please let me know about the storage bin? I will get another one if necessary.

Really? I say something like that and you think I'm serious? Okay. You're so clueless I have to give you another chance to get yourself off the hook.

Response: "Seriously. Who is this?"

My correspondent started a new message with the subject of "Storage."

I needed to start a new email. Can you please tell me about the storage bin?

Oh, wow. You're still missing it? Game on.

I have some room since I've been clearing it out now and then but I'll have to check with my wife to see if you can use it. Plus she has the code - I can never remember it since I don't go there very often. You know the unit is in Moore, right?

Everything in that message is absolutely true. I'm figuring there was a recent breakup or separation so throwing in the wife and a city she probably doesn't recognize will be a big red flag. Nope. It did look promising, though.

What?

Okay, let's throw the clues at her again.

What didn't you understand? My wife has the gate code and I need to make sure it's okay with her for you to store your stuff there. There isn't a lot of room but there is some.

Still not getting it.

You know what stop mentioning ur wife!!! I am abundantly clear that you are still married. The way you torture me and treat me is simply unforgiveable!!!

I shdve known not to be happy with you and think there was a future. I am insane. I continue to do the same thing and I expect a different result from you!

Why would I think ur wife has a key or a code to anything in ur life???

How do you sleep at night???

Now I've done it. Somebody's been a naughty boy.

It's time to come clean.

Okay. Seriously. I am not the person you think I am. I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean that literally. Whatever [name withheld] you know I am not him. I'm 43 years old, live in Oklahoma, have been married for 20 years and can't think of any woman I know with a name that starts with an N.

I apologize for playing games but when I asked if I knew you and you responded the way you did I thought it humorous that you never considered that you had an incorrect email address. Then when I went completely off the reservation with the Cabo comment and you thought I was serious... well... it was just too much to resist. I hope things work out between you and your Joe however it is best for you.

And... she still doesn't get it.

Please stop! I have enough stress w my Dad amd work. I don't have the energy for the games. I really don't.

I think that you know I have an incredible sense of humor, but now I'm stressed out! I don't know how much more info you need about menpause[sic]. Google it! I'm NOT making it up

OMG. She's either blonde or dyes her hair to keep it from being that color. Time to smack her over the head with a big, foam clue bat.

No. No more games. I sincerely have no idea who you are. To the best of my knowledge we have never met. The only Nik I know is my nephew and he spells his name Nikolas. I live in central Oklahoma.

Here, check this out: (link to the about me page on my web site)

FINALLY! She gets it.

I will delete this address from my contacts. I'm glad you got some laughs.

Wow. That's all I can say. But there's more. Between the subject change there was an email I totally missed. Subject: Drunk

Are you trying to be funny, or are you drunk? I certainly would hate to think that you could be that cold and insensitive.

I'm reaching out and you are being an arrogant jack ass. You don't deserve me.

Man, I hope she eventually gets her head straight.