Success

Earl Nightingale, in his audiotape series, Lead The Field, defines success as "The active pursuit of a worthwhile goal." I adopted that as my definition of success when I first heard it almost twenty years ago. The definitioin allows for mistakes and setbacks as much as breakthroughs and innovation.

Over the past couple of weeks - ever since the controversial appointment of directors at work - I have felt... what word seems appropriate here?... subdued? I have brief periods where I feel I'm in my element and on top of things but, mostly, I'm just going through the motions. I have become a pre-programmed automaton. When the dog jumps up onto my side of the bed or when the second alarm goes off - whichever comes first - I get out of bed. I let the dogs out, go to the bathroom and take a shower. I pick out a pair of slacks and a shirt, get partially dressed, and let the dogs in. I brush my hair and my teeth and eventually head for work. At work I take care of the tasks I know how to take care of and work trouble tickets with a feeling like I'm not doing everything I can. Sometimes Often, there's a feeling of inferiority as I watch others, some more than ten years younger than I, administer systems like most people breathe. And it feels like I'm being shut out because they just don't have the time to show me what I need to do or explain to me what they're doing. I've been tasked with caring for a system we're going to decommission in a year. I'm losing my touch with that system because I no longer use it actively and I'm not learning much about the new system because I'm in charge of a system that, as long as it's stable, nobody cares about.

I could explain further but I won't. I started to wonder why I felt this way and I finally realized this morning that I no longer feel like I'm part of something worthwhile. I no longer feel, by the definition above, successful.

Here's hoping I can find a new job soon where I feel like part of something worthwhile.