The Death Card

In Tarot there is a card named "Death." The death card does not mean someone is going to die but it signifies a change. A death of the old to make way for the new.

Today, the death card is in play. Although my last official day of employment with Oklahoma State University is August 19th, today is my last day of work. I will take annual leave from OSU Monday through Thursday of next week but I will be working my new job on those days.

Today is bittersweet. I have spent much of the last two years in torment, being shuffled around to do jobs that I did not apply for and that I'm not getting paid to do. I have spent much of the last two weeks getting frustrated at some new policy or procedure or other change, then biting down my anger because, "it's not my concern anymore." But seven years is the longest I have ever worked for a single company in my professional career. I have learned so much in that time and have formed friendships that I shall cherish until I draw my last breath. I know I am not going far but I shall miss it. Not all of it, obviously, but I shall miss it just the same.

I look to the future with a mixture of anticipation and anxiety. I know that my customer service skills will prevail. I know that I will be well received. I am confident in my skills. It is the ignorance that scares me. I know that nobody ever has the exact skillset that an employer is looking for. There is always some aspect the applicant is lacking but where my ignorance blinds me is such an important part of the whole. I tell myself that I should not worry. I tell myself that they do not expect me to be perfect. I tell myself that the expertise I need, should I need it before I acquire it, is only a phone call away as I have built so many strong relationships that people are willing to help even if I don't work here anymore. I am thankful for that. But I am also scared each time those feelings well up inside me.

All of this has taken a toll on my digestive system since I made my departure official. But I must move out of my comfort zone if I am to grow. I pray that "Death" will come quickly and that all of the anxiety will wash away over the next six days.

It is the end of one phase of my life and the beginning of another. For some reason, though, this change is so much harder than all of the others. Why is that? I think it is because this, at one time, was one of the best jobs the best job I ever had. I actually looked forward to coming to work each day. All that was forcibly ripped from me and I think I'm angry about that. No, I know I'm angry about that. I think that's what makes it so hard to leave - because it was good once. But I know in my heart that if it is ever to be good again, it will be a very very long time and I do not have the strength to wait. I must move on. I must move forward. Positive action.