Attendant Spirits

My sister wrote an entry in her blog the other day about feeling someone hold her hand as she went to sleep. She told about ghosts and guardian angels and that got me to thinking about my guardian angel.

Oh, yes, I have a guardian angel and he has kept me out of trouble, helped me heal, and he has spoken to me. I mean that in a litteral sense. I have heard his voice with my own ears. His messages are simple but carry more meaning than the thickest novel ever written. Let me tell you about it...

The first time Stanley spoke to me... Oh, I forgot to tell you. His name is Stanley. At least, that's what I call him. I asked him his name once and that's what he whispered to me. Anyway, the first time he spoke to me, I was a freshman in college. There was this dumb-jock-type living on my same floor in the residence hall and I didn't have much use for him most of the time but he was pretty harmless.

At the end of a particularly harrowing day, I returned from class ot find him in my room chatting it up with my roommate and a couple of other guys. To blow off some steam, I fired up my computer and challenged any comers to a game of "Way of the Exploding Fist." I was pretty much impossible to beat because I was "attuned" to the joystick I used and I was really the only one used ot viewing output on a five-inch color monitor (it was a Commodore SX-64 portable computer).

At any rate, everything was going well and I was unstressing when the jock did something that utterly disgusted me. (I remember what it was but I'll spare you the details) I told him what I though of his gesture and politely and with a bit of revulsion asked him not to do that again... which he promptly ignored and repeated his action.

Those that have known me a while know that I can have a really nasty temper and it's easiest to set off when I'm tired, stressed and/or cranky. I have worked hard over the past thirty years to keep the monster at bay but he sneaks out once in a while... That day, he leaped out.

In one fluid motion, I threw my joystick on the desk, stood up, kicked my chair half way across the room and slammed into the jock's midriff before he knew what hit him. I shoved him against the far wall of the room and onto my roommates bed. When we landed, I was in the absolute perfect position to start slamming my fist repeatedly into his... manhood. I had an absolutely unobstructed shot and I'm sure he was in such shock that he would not have been able to stop me. With just a few blows, I could have easily put this oxygen thief in the hospital and removed his particular sequence from the gene pool.

I drew my right arm back, made a fist, shifted my weight to begin my first strike and heard someone say, loudly and firmly, "DON'T!"

In that instant, I knew that the beast had taken full control of me and, for the first time in my life, I was about to do serious bodily harm to another human being. Satisfied that I had proven my point, I stepped away and put the beast back in his cage.

The jock didn't get it.

As I stepped away, he grabbed me in a bear-hug from behind, pinning my arms, and lifted me off my feet. He carried me across the room and, thinking he was going to body-slam me into the floor, I threw my weight toward my bed as he let me go.

Now, the good thing about having a temper is, when you need it, you can fake it. You can let the beast roar his loudest, fiercest roar and still keep him in his cage... and that's exactly what I did.

When I hit the bed, I used it as a springboard to bounce myself back to my feet. I stepped within centimeters of this mouth-breathing neanderthal, who stood a good three inches taller than me and outweighed me by at least fifty pounds, looked straight into his eyes and hollered with as much rage as I could muster (which was quite a lot, I assure you) and proceeded to explain to him, in a very graphic manner, what I was going to do to him if he ever touched me again. I recall his expression being a mixture of mild fear and amazement that anyone would dare stand up to him like that. I left him standing there, wide-eyed, as I left the room to cool off.

When I returned, my roommate quitely said to me, "Remind me never to piss you off."

I was convinced that someone in the room had hollered at me to stop but my roommate said he hadn't heard it. I blew it off as divergent recollections... until I heard him the second time. I was alone the second time.

It was a couple of years after the first incident. I had been dating a girl I met in high school for almost three years. She was my first love and she played with my mind the whole time. Some of the things she did were nothing short of evil and manipulative. For this reason, when we finally broke up, I hated her. I had said I hated people before this but I had only strongly disliked them. Her... I hated. I hated what she had done to me, I hated that I had wasted three years on her, and I hated what I had become because of her. I spent the entire summer sitting in my bedroom reading after we broke up.

I don't recall what book I was reading but I was sitting alone on my bed in my room. The radio was not on and I was lost in the world created on the pages in front of me. Without any warning, I heard a voice quietly say to me, "Let it go."

I looked up. No one had entered and the door was closed. I remember thinking, "What?" then returned to my book. Before I could find my spot on the page I again heard the voice say, "Let it go."

With no further words and no further thought, I realized that the hatred I carried so close to my heart had tainted and discolored every experience I'd had since allowing it to enter me. It wasn't living there, it wasn't holding on. I had picked it up and held onto it with all my strength letting it steel me against... against nothing. It was hurting me with its subtle but suffocating pressure and I never realized it. In my mind, I saw a hand release and let something just fall away.

I was at peace. I was at peace with myself and I was at peace with my experiences and I forgave her. I forgave her absolutely and completely.

It was then that I realized the voice must be a guardian angel. In that moment I experienced a forgiveness that could only come from God. He forgave me for my hatred. I released my hatred and forgave myself for carrying it. Most importantly, I forgave someone else without regard to whether or not they would forgive me.

That moment is as close to God as I have ever been.

Do I believe in spirits? Yes. Do I believe in guardian angels? You bet I do.

"Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. I ain't nothin' but tired..." - Springsteen

Have you ever wanted to just run away from your life? I don't mean take a vacation or just get away for a few days or weeks... I mean really run away. Just pack up your stuff and go. Leave it all behind and start over. Do something completely different. Be in a different place.

Why? Many reasons, really. Maybe you hate what you do. Maybe you hate what you've become. Maybe you just want a trade-in, like with a car.

Life has started spinning so fast that it's just a blur. If I weren't afraid of... of... starving, honestly... I would pack my stuff, drive to California and become a voice actor. That's my dream job. I want to be the voice of the next Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, or even the next Protoss Zealot.

But... I stay here, doing what I do, being who I am. I hear the competition is feirce for that line of work and I'm just not in a position to present myself.

If the opportunity ever comes along, though, look for my name in the credits.

Trudging through the monotony

After some initial speedbumps - CDs that wouldn't boot, files that wouldn't copy, a CD-ROM drive that mysteriously shut down (the drawer wouldn't even open) while operating - the rebuild is going smoothly. I'm currently running updates and, while I wait, rebuilding some of my links... which is why I stopped by.

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday wherever you are!

*^*&%$#@$%

That word in the title begins with an F and should be in a 72pt font with about a hundred exclamation points behind it.

This entry was going to be so wonderful but in a split second it went from fabulous to f*&$ed up.

Here's what happened: The urgent need circuit in my home computer kicked in and it kicked in hard. For those of you that don't know, the urgent need circuit is that piece of hardware within every piece of electronic equipment, such as printers, copiers, computers, cars, etc. that causes them to shut down at the point of most urgent need. This circuit is what causes cars not to start in horror movies.

I have been in training since Wednesday. After our breaks, as everyone is starting to trickle in, our instructor has been playing humorous video and audio clips. Several people have asked for copies of some of his clips and his answer is, "bring me a blank CD." Which I did.

One of my hobbies - for SEVERAL years now - has been recording and collecting sound clips from movies - which is why I have a web site full of audio clips. I thought he might appreciate a copy of my wav collection... ALL of it. So, I dumped all of the files into a folder, sorted through a couple of folders and made some minor changes to the folder structure. It was all ready. I had even printed out a label and a jewel case insert. I dropped the blank DVD into the drive, launched Roxio CD/DVD creator, and it froze.

No problem. I'll just reset the computer.

BIG PROBLEM!!!

When the system restarted, it told me...
\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\CONFIG\SYSTEM was missing or corrupt.

For those of you that don't understand... yeah, that's a bad thing. I was all ready to just burn the DVD and go to bed (it was getting close to 10:30pm) and that UNC fired up. I only wish I had some pixie dust to counteract the devastating effects of the UNC.

So, here I sit, typing on the laptop as Windows XP setup runs on my desktop computer. I figure I'll get it loaded, load the DVD/CD recording software, record the DVD for the instructor and call it a night.

Great, the system just shot me the BSOD (Blue Screen Of Death) right in the middle of setup... meaning I have to start over... [[SIGH]]... Setup will complete in approximately 39 minutes...

Lord, I am SO tired... How LONG can this go on!?

Well I've been working in a coal mine, going down down... Working in a coal mine....... ahem... sorry.

As I've stated before, this is the longest I've ever kept a single journal. There are dys where (I'm going to leave that typo in... you wouldn't believe how many I've already had and I'm just on the second sentence) I'm so busy rushing around and other days where I just don't feel up to "sharing" that I don't blog. But, I always come back to it.

Funny thing is, you'd be surprised at how many things don't make it into the blog. Take the John Doe incident, for instance. Over the weekend and while driving home from KC, I must have started five or six entries in my head. At least half of them dissolved before I had an opportunity to commit them to the ones and zeros that are the internet. The other half battled it out in my brain on the always uninteresting drive home. In the end, the Greyhound bus driver was just too unexpected not to mention.

I'm constantly doing that. Taking an experience and wondering to myself how I would describe it in my blog. It's a fun exercise and I think it helps my writing... not that I think I've found that "voice" I mentioned so many entries ago.

(MAN! Is the backspace key getting a workout tonight!!)

The past two weeks have been exhausting. I was explaining this to Kevin and he mentioned that another person in our organization couldn't understand why I was so stressed. "It's not like, when something goes wrong, they blame him or anything," he's reported to have said. That's not the point. I'm just juggling so many balls right now that keeping track of them is spiritually draining. Even when they become a blur and I get in the zone, I'm still exhausted by the end of the day.

Here's the interesting thing... I've been off anti-depressants for at least two months, now (right about the time we really started ramping up) and I don't miss the crutch. (That's what it had become, a crutch. It wasn't at first, though.) Sure, I feel like collapsing and letting it all out sometimes but I have control of it rather than the other way around.

I want to stick it out but I'm really so overwhelmed that I'll jump ship if the right opportunity comes along. The good thing, though, is that my managers recognize how much we are all doing (mostly because they're putting forth similar effort) and have been very good lately at handing out praise at the right moment.

Before I start rambling too much, I'm going to call it a night and hit the sack.

Thank you for your support...

That's better... in a still broken kinda way

I commented out the Blogroll Me link (which is why you don't see it at the moment) and that fixed my page. Problem is, I want to include that link but I'll have to figure that out later...

Houston, we have a problem

Something has gone terribly wrong and my blog won't load beyond the last archive link. I'm actually staring at the top half of a sentence at the bottom of my screen.

Please bear with me as I figure this thing out...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

You'll notice I have a new link at the right of my posts... it says, "Blogroll Me!"

Just like with the comments, I've added a new feature. It helps me effortlessly manage my blog links (you'll notice the font on them has changed a bit, too). Check it out at Blogrolling.com.

Deceptions

Marketing departments crack me up... and they scare me. I'm a smart consumer and try not to get sucked into their lies but I know there are many many many more consumers who do not take advertisements with a grain of salt.

The words, "All Natural" have been equated with "healthy" and "safe" but let me remind you that hemlock is all natural. I actually saw a bottle of "Migraine Relief" at a health food store that was marked "all natural." I looked at the ingredients and it's active ingredient was belladonna. Now, one site mentions that "Small children are much more susceptible to belladonna poisoning than adults, and should be kept away from it." but the fact remains that it's POISON!!

I know that, for many poisonous herbs, death only comes at the right dose but imagine this scenario. You have a migraine. (for those of you that have never experienced one, a migraine isn't just a headache.. it's A REALLY BAD F*$)ING HEADACHE!!! and the slightest sound or amount of light makes your head feel like it's having an axe buried into it and makes you want to lose your lunch.) You have some of the Migraine Relief you bought from the health food store. Depending on the concentration of belladonna, one or two aren't going to hurt you but what if you keep taking them 'cause your headache isn't getting any better? At the very least, it's going to make you sick.

Lately, the move has been toward "low carb" foods because of the Atkins diet. Anyone who knows me knows that I could stand to reduce my carbohydrate intake so these have caught my eye. I've read parts of The Carbohydrate Addict's Healthy Heart Program and it details how your body processes carbs, begins to resist insulin, craves carbs and becomes a fat-making machine. This all makes sense and explains why these low-carb diets work.

I won't argue the validity or safety of Atkins-style diets except to say they don't ring true to me and I choose not to follow them. What I will say is that, as a consumer, YOU MUST BE CAREFUL AND BE SURE OF WHAT YOU ARE GETTING. Remember when KFC tried to convince everyone that fried chicken was healthy???

This morning, I decided to try one of the Carl's Jr Low-Carb breakfast bowls. It's got egg, cheese, sausage and bacon in a bowl. No bread so there are very few carbs (5g total, 3g net... don't even get me started on "net" carbs). When I got into the office, I looked up the nutritional info on the web.

Total Carbs - 5g
Fiber - 2g
Sugars - 2g
Net Carbs - 3g

looks good so far, right??? It gets MUCH WORSE from here...

Calories - 900
Calories from fat - 660
total fat - 73g (DV=less than 65g)*
saturated fat - 33g (DV=less than 20g)
cholesterol - 875mg (DV=less than 300mg - that almost THREE TIMES the daily recommended MAXIMUM intake)
sodium - 2050mg (DV= less than 2,400 mg - one-stop shopping)
protein - 58g

Oh, just bury me now! By contrast, let's take a look at a Croissanwich, another of my favorite breakfast foods, with sausage, egg & cheese from Burger King.

Total carbs - 24g
Dietary fiber - 1g
sugars - 4g
Calories - 520
Calories from fat - 350
Total fat - 39g (almost half that of the breakfast bowl)
Saturated fat - 14g (almost 2 1/2 times lower)
Cholesterol - 210mg (over 4 times lower)
Sodium - 1090mg
protein - 19g

Okay, still not a shining example of healthy eating but look at how much more reasonable those numbers are. I'd rather have the Croissanwich without the croissant. Granted, there was a lot more volume to the breakfast bowl but you certainly pay for it.

How about an Egg McMuffin?

Carbs - 29g
Fiber - 2g
sugars - 3g
calories - 300
Calories from fat - 110
total fat - 12g
saturated fat - 9g
cholesterol - 235mg
sodium - 840mg
protein - 18g

What it comes down to is that any of these breakfast options has too much fat, too much cholesterol, way too much sodium and not enough fiber to be very good for you. But if something is advertised as "low carb" or "low fat" or "all natural"... make sure you get the big picture.

Sheesh... I don't think I'm EVER eating one of those again.


*Daily Values from FDA document 'Daily Values' Encourage Healthy Diet

No, really, what's your name

I'm on my way home from Kansas City this weekend (had a nice time, thank you for asking) and I stop at a McDonald's on the Kansas Turnpike. Someone approaches as I'm waiting in line so, naturally, I turn around to see who's behind me... it's a Greyhound bus driver. As I turn back around, his shiny, brass name tag catches my eye and I see the name engraved on it in capital letters: JOHN DOE.

I do a double-take to make sure my eyes are not deceiving me. Awkwardly, he notices me staring. "I was just noticing your name tag." He gives me a polite chin-nod and, realizing he's not the chatty type, I turn back around.

Unable to resist and not ask the obvious, I attempt to engage him by asking, "Is that really your name?"

Okay... in hindsight, that was probably the biggest dumbass question I've ever asked. For some reason, my mind told me, "Go ahead and ask. Maybe they all wear a name tag that reads John Doe. Maybe this guy didn't want anyone to know his real name. Maybe he's in the witness protection program!"

Okay, that last one didn't go through my mind but I did think the other stuff.

The bus driver quietly responded, "Yes, it is."

I attempted to engage him again with, "I've never actually met a John Doe before."

Another chin-nod.

I finished off by saying, "Now I can tell people I have."

"Yes, you can." came his reply.

I SO wanted to talk with this guy. It's like meeting a Walt Disney or a Bill Gates. I just wanted to know what it was like to have a "famous name" but he wasn't biting.

I did resist the urge to ask, "So, you related to that guy that died last week?"

Having a little fun

Found this on the Internet... had to try a couple before I got one that wasn't too rude...

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	The Armadillo
Super Power	Ability To Fly
Enemy	Martha Stewart
Mode Of Transportation	Shopping Cart
Weapon	Celine Dion Albums
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

Waxing Nostalgic

Since Friday evening and throughout the weekend, my mind has been whisking me back through my memories but landing me in places unvisited in many many years. I don't know why I am reminded of these particular things at this particular moment but I am comforted by their familiarity.

I remember the South Kingston parking lot. As the three children in our household and the five children across the street one-by-one reached the age of sixteen, the number of cars parked in the street around our cul-de-sac made it resemble a used car lot.

I remember the block parties we used to have. The families up and down the street used to get together for the 4th of July or some other warm-weather occasion and have a cookout in the middle of the street. It was during one of these events that I first tried homemade ice cream.

I remember spending one July 4th with a good friend of mine, Linda Anderson. I would later relive that picnic while listening to Eddie Murphy chronicle events at his family cookouts. There was an uncle in charge of fire and meat as well as several cousins in charge of the fireworks show.

My most vivid memory of that afternoon happened before the sun went down. Linda's uncle Billy had started shooting off black cats so I was getting used to the rapidfire "pop pop pop pop" of a string firecrackers. All of a sudden, while no one was watching, the was a horrendous, echoing BOOM!!! Billy had decided to drop an M-40 (the M-80 - equivalent to a 1/4 stick of dynamite - had been recently outlawed) into a concrete enclosure in the middle of the yard. The design of the structure, presumably used to burn trash and yard waste, caused and amplification and echo of the concussive force... it's the second-best fireworks I've experienced.

Remind me to tell you about spending July 4, 2001 in Richmond, VT.

I recall a family that rented a house in the neighborhood for a while. They had a son, Tim, who was older than me and a daughter, Martha who was younger than me. Every time she approached him and, wanting to speak with him, said, "Tim?" He would respond matter-of-factly with, "Martha." For some reason, this drove Martha nuts and it was quite fun to watch.

I remember driving the Fiat spider a girlfriend owned. It was the first time I had ever even ridden in a convertible. I also remember that you could put the top down (or up, for that matter) without ever unbuckling your seatbelt.

I remember walking to U-Tot-Em or 7-11 with my brother from our duplex off South Peoria to get slushies. Mom told us we weren't allowed to walk there because it required that we cross Peoria to get there but we went anyway.

That brings back the memory of my brother taking me to Jenks to get my driver's license. We stopped at a U-Tot-Em to switch drivers so I could get some last-minute practice.

And I remember driving my brother's Camaro. I don't remember what year it was, exactly (1970-something), but I remember it was gold (and primer) and he paid $1,300.00 for it. I also remember that it had very heavy doors. I had never driven in my life and, for some reason, John let me drive the car down Joplin St. toward home... I'm surprised I didn't give him whiplash in the scant 3-minutes I was in control.

I also remember losing a tire from that Camaro while we all drove to Schlotzsky's for my birthday.

I don't know why these particular memories are coming to mind. Some are fleeting and are hard to recall at the moment but as they come, I live there for a moment and am comforted.

Refuge

This is the third time I started writing this entry and its second title. I scrapped the first two before I was finished with the first paragraph. It was just too negative.

I was going to lay out just how incredibly difficult life has been and how overbearing today was and what prompted the last entry and what happened since... but it's just not worth it.

So here goes.

Those of you that have been here from the beginning know that, in June of 2003, I became a huge fan of Wil Wheaton. You know that he inspired me to start blogging. You also know that I am a huge Sci Fi fan.

And since 1977, I have been a huge fan of Sci Fi conventions.

I recall the first one I ever attended: OKon. I was ten years old and Movie screens were still glowing from the release of Star Wars (what we would later know as "A New Hope"). One evening, I came across a commercial with four people against a white background dressed as Princess Leia (she did the talking, I think), Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and what I'm pretty sure was supposed to be Chewbaca (he growled at the end). They talked about the convention where there would be fans, movies, a dealer's room and special guests (nobody overly famous). I asked my mom if I could go and she agreed to take me on Saturday.

The convention was held at the Mayo Hotel in downtown Tulsa, OK. To this day I can still see the red and black carpet that adorned the lobby. In the center of the lobby was a grand staircase stained a dark mahogany with the same red and black carpet snaking up its center. On the second floor, an ornate railing of the same dark wood encircled the center of the lobby...

I still love and miss that old hotel.

Mom took me downtown Saturday afternoon, plunked down the $5 or so for the daily pass and sat in the lobby reading a book. I flitted around the rooms that my penguin-adorned badge with the word SATURDAY in big, bold, black letters allowed me access to. I recall several times, being only ten years old and simply fascinated with everything, running back to my mom with a "guess what!" (the highlight of the day had to be Hardware Wars)

I don't know how long we were there. It may have only been an hour but it must have been one of the fullest hours of my life. Eventually, it was time to go but I've been going to Sci Fi conventions ever since.

I was originally planning on attending Starfest 2004 in Denver this year but finances and timing make it all but impossible. Given its geographic proximity, however, I rarely miss Trek Expo and this year will be no different.

I only wish June weren't so far away.

Impending disaster

It seems that all the bad things happen on tuesday. Some numerologist would probably look at 2004 and say that's a six and tuesday, being the third day of the week, is half of six so you'll only have half the fun on Tuesdays... But I just think Tuesday's suck lately.

Anyway...

The last time Oklahoma State University was in a financial crisis, the administration worked hard to ease the minds of the staff and let us know that layoffs were a last resort. That time around, only a couple of people were laid off, although they did eliminate several unoccupied positions and didn't re-hire for several vacated positions. This time it's different...

Lately, it seems that the administration of Oklahoma State University couldn't care less about their staff. People are being laid off and let go across the University, seemingly on a whim. When employees leave, their positions are not being filled - case in point, the IT training division. They've gone from a staff of seven to a staff of one in the past 6 months through reassignment and attrition.

We've heard nothing from the administration. In fact, the rumors are that the administration is responsible for the layoffs.

What has been happening is that, as people leave the University, their workload is being redistributed among the survivors.

Imagine you are on a trail across the continent. You start off with a bunch of mules, each well packed but not overburdened. An older mule dies so you take its load and distribute it among the others. None of the others really notice the difference. Another mule dies and, out of necessity, you again redistribute the load. The stronger mules are able to bear it but the weaker ones are showing some strain. Now, imagine that one of your weaker mules runs away during the night. You again redistribute the load. The stronger mules are showing that they're feeling the extra weight but they start out fresh every morning.

Eventually, you come across a trading post where you can buy more mules. Unfortunately, you seriously overpaid for your four biggest mules and can't afford to buy much in the way of replacements. Of course, your lead mule has decided that he doesn't like sleeping on a blanket at night and has demanded fresh hay so you load down your mules with hay, as well as everything else they have to carry, and neglect to buy a new mule.

Don't you realize that even your strongest mule will eventually give way under the weight? Do you see that, even though you may make it to the end of the trail, all of your mules will be dead?

Such as it is now at OSU, especially within the IT Division. Some I knew were being culled from the herd even before we began the journey. Others I knew would bolt at the first chance. But now that the unbreakable ones are starting to buck and resist having their load strapped on every day I worry. I worry that someone will lose their mind or, worse yet, their will.


I'm just rambling now. There are way too many thoughts and too many analogies to put it into words that would make you understand if you're not living it. And, if you are living it, I'm sorry.

Talk back to me, please!

I just updated my template to add a commenting service. There should now be a Comments and a Trackback link at the bottom of every post.

Saying goodbye

The card came today.

Our veterinarian always sends a sympathy card. It really helped when we had to have Tucker put down (he was getting too violent with the neighbors). It brought tears and pain when we had Felicia and Jazmine put down. Today, it brought memories.

When Tucker died, I stayed and watched. Tucker had been abandoned in my brother-in-law's back yard along with six or seven other pups. In short order, we ripped him away from his siblings (all of whom died terrible, sensless deaths). I was damned if I was going to let him die alone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

When we got the card for Jaz & Felicia I knew what it was. What I didn't know was that the vet had taken a picture of them and printed it on the card. It destroyed me. I thought I was handling our decision to have them euthanized pretty well but broke down when I saw the picture. My wife has hidden that card from me for now.

I saw the card in the mailbox at lunch. I was surprised it came so quick since we had only taken Baron in on Friday. I opened it, wondering if she had taken a picture. She had and it made me sad. I wasn't sad because I saw him again but because the picture showed just how sickly he looked. I was a bit pissed that she had even put a picture on the card since he looked so thin and weak.

When I got home later this evening, I opened and read the card. Inside was a small sticky-note. It said they had a paw print from Baron that we could come pick up any time. I cried again. I am crying now. I miss him.

These little touches are one of the reasons I like our vet so much. She has known Bear as long as we have and, as we were leaving, I could swear I saw a hint of emotion in her eyes. I think she will miss him as well.

I could not have asked for a better dog - first or owtherwise. It conforts me that we gave him 13 years he didn't have. Let me take you back 13 years...

It was a Thursday. I know this for two reasons. One, our local animal shelter stays open late on Thursdays and we had gone by after work. The second reason, I'll get to in a minute.

As we walked through the pens we were looking for a German Shepherd mix. After eye-balling a couple of animals the attendant told us to let her know if there were any we wanted to take out. She also told us that the red X on the card meant they were scheduled to be euthanized the next morning.

We came upon a monstrous mutt. He was flat-out ugly and in desperate need of a bath. The card on his pen said his name was Bear, he was good with kids and knew how to sit and shake hands. His arrival date was that day with a notation of "dropped off"... and there was a red X (that's reason #2).

Shelly wanted to have a look at him. I was hung up on his looks. "But he's so ugly" I kept saying. In the end, she pulled at my heart strings with, "We're his last chance." The attendant brought forth a leash.

Bear walked outside with us calmly. I took the leash first and ran and played with him a bit in the yard. Shelly took him next. Those of you that know my wife know that she does not walk very fast and is physically unable to run. When she took the leash, Bear started to take off again. "Uh uh," Shelly chided and he proceeded to match her pace and walk beside her... the decision was made.

Long live The Bear!!

What a tangled web we weave

I finally have my web server up and running. I've put my wav archive, photo site and celebrity photo site online. Some of the sites haven't been edited in a couple of years (seriously!) and many of the external and email links are out of date but I hope to have that fixed soon. Please visit one of the links below and check it out...

General site link: http://unclebubby.dnsalias.org - It's a cheesy welcome page at the moment but I may eventually move my blog to this address.

Wav archive: http://wavarchive.webhop.net (you can also go straight to http://unclebubby.dnsalias.org/wav/)
Photos: http://joephoto.webhop.net (direct URL: http://unclebubby.dnsalias.org/photos/)
Celebrity photos: http://starstruck.webhop.net (direct URL: http://unclebubby.dnsalias.org/starstruck/)

Thank you for your support

A really shitty Tuesday

It's straight up one a.m. on Wednesday morning. Normally, I would be slumbering comfortably next to my wife but today is different...

At about 10:30 p.m. my sister called and told me her boyfriend had shot himself.

She had called me about an hour before to say he was missing so it wasn't a complete shock to pick up the phone and hear a teary, stressed voice blurt out, "He's dead."

But it was a shock nonetheless.

Knowing she lives alone, I immediately offered to come stay the night with her and that's where I am right now. I packed up my things and headed down the highway.

I am in a totally unknown situation right now. I am helping by merely being a presence... a sounding board... but there is no way I can begin to fathom how she's feeling right now. I can understand her remorse and the guilt she has placed on herself. It's only human to feel "I should have done something different" but that's where my understanding ends.

Tomorrow I'll make sure she's contacted someone who can help her deal with this better than I can, or I'll at least make sure she has someone to contact.

When I arrived about an hour ago, her friend Shauna was here. Shauna had come over to stay with Mary while she waited for me. As we talked I wanted to be more helpful and provide some distracting conversation but could only sit in silence. Unfortunately, I am in the process of grieving myself.

A few days ago, I wrote about saying goodbye to The Bear. It was almost prophetic because since then he has gone downhill fast. I began to notice near the end of the week that he was having trouble standing up, standing and walking. It quickly became obvious that his hips were bothering him. Then, as the weekend progressed, I realized he was not eating.

I continued to hold out hope that Bear would last a while longer. If I gave him a biscuit or a piece of chesse (laced with an aspirin), he would eat it and he continued to drink. I started feeling like he was being too smart for his own good. I surmised that his dog food had upset his stomach and he was refusing to eat his dog food.

Over the weekend, we tried feeding him a different dry food... he wouldn't take it. We tried giving him a soft food. He ate the soft food right away but that made him sick to his stomach as well and he refused any more we offered him.

I went heavy on the treats just to get him to eat something and I called the vet this morning. She suggested trying a canned food and giving him small amounts more often. At lunch I went to the store and bought a single can of dog food. I dished out a couple of tablespoons into a bowl and set the bowl in front of him. He didn't immediately turn away from it so I left it for him. Eventually, he ate it... but slowly like someone who doesn't have enough energy to chew. I kept an eye on him while I finished my lunch and, seeing no signs of upset, gave him another tablespoon before I left.

When we came home from work, I again gave Bear a couple of tablespoons of the food. He ate about half of it then gave up. JD, our other dog, eventually wormed his way in and ate the rest. An hour or so later I tried to give him a little more but he turned away from it. I began thinking that I hadn't seen him drink all evening, either. The true testament, however, was that he refused his treat when I started getting ready for bed.

As I left, I told Shelly that if he doesn't eat in the morning to call the vet. I'd rather not see him starve himself to death.

While he was still drinking and taking treats, I wasn't ready to be the one to decide his fate. After tonight, though, I'm ready for his suffering to end. I have come through the grieving process and have accepted that he will soon die. Yes, I will cry when he's gone. Yes, I will miss him. But yes, I have accepted it.

I will miss you Bear. I love you.

How to create a DVD from a show recorded on a ReplayTV

I searched high and low for this information and never really found it all in one place. If you have a ReplayTV unit, here's a step-by-step guide to creating a DVD from a recorded show using your PC. (for MAC OS X instructions, click here)

Hardware:

• A ReplayTV unit connected to a home network
  
• A Windows-based PC* connected to the same network
  
• A recordable DVD drive
  

Software:

• DVArchive - For transferring the files from the ReplayTV to your PC [free]
  - -- Requires Java2 Runtime Environment from java.com [free]
  
• Replay TV 5K Tools - For editing and converting your RTV files (the download is attached to the end of the AVS forums post) [free]
  
• Suitable DVD creation software. I use and many others recommend Ulead DVD Movie Factory (DMF) [$99]. I have successfully used a trial version of DMF3 then found an excellent price on DMF2 at eBay [I got mine for $21.50]. Roxio DVD Creator is specifically NOT recommended
  
• OPTIONAL: Womble MPEG-VCR [$69.95] or another program capable of playing back raw ReplayTV mpg files and displaying timecode
  

Step 1: Get the mpg file from the ReplayTV unit to your PC

• Using DVArchive, copy the file from the ReplayTV unit to your PC. DVArchive is pretty easy to use. When you first run it, it will ask where you want to put the files it copies from your ReplayTV unit. Make sure to pre-create the folder and create two sub-folders. One called "Import" and the other called "Local_Guide"
  
• When you copy the file, it will create a .evt (event) file, the .mpg file and a .ndx file. Each of these files is necessary for the conversion process.
  

Step 2: Editing your file

• Run EVTDUMP** against the .evt file for the show you want to edit (c:\>evtdump "downloaded program.evt" > dump.txt). This creates an editable list of scene changes showing in-points (marked by A) and out-points (marked by D). The RTV tools documentation describes the evtdump output quite well.
  
• Open the evtdump output file you just created (dump.txt in my example) using Notepad. Open the .mpg file in Womble (MPG-VCR). Scroll through the video file and match the in and out points listed in the dump file. Edit as necessary.
  
• Run RTVEdit** using your dump file as an edit decision list (c:\>rtvedit dump.txt). Unless otherwise specified (see EVTDUMP documentation), RTVEdit will automatically create .evt, .mpg and .ndx files, adding a 1 to the end of the file name (i.e. downloaded program1.mpg). NOTE: This step usually takes less than three minutes for a one hour show.
  
• Open the edited file in MPG-VCR and make sure the breaks are smooth (i.e. there are no "blips" of commercials). Re-edit the dump file accordingly and re-run RTVEdit. The second go-round usually does the trick.
  

Step 3: Prepare for output

• Once the edit process has been completed to your satisfaction, you need to run the edited .mpg file through RTVConvert** before you can burn it to a DVD. (c:\>rtvconvert "input file.mpg" "output file.mpg")
  

Step 4: Output to DVD

• Using your authoring software, output the converted file to DVD.
  

TIPS:

• If your satellite receiver or other tuner displays a banner when switching channels, set your ReplayTV unit to start recording one minute prior to the start of the program. This will give the banner time to disappear and it won't be on your final recording.
  
• I've been told that DVD-R discs tend to be more compatible with consumer equipment. I have been able to use a DVD+R disc with no problems, however.
  
• MPG-VCR uses timecode in the format of HH:MM:SS:FF where H=Hour, M=Minute, S=Second & F=Frame. There are 30 frames per second. EVTDUMP displays the timecode as MMM:SS.mmm where M=Minute, S=Second and m=milisecond. There are 1,000 miliseconds per second. Therefore, every three frames is 100 miliseconds. 15 frames=1/2 second=500 miliseconds.
  
• The AVS ReplayTV Forums are a WONDERFUL source of information.
  
• You should also check out the ReplayTV FAQ
  
• Raw ReplayTV files, although adherent to the MPEG-2 standard, will not play in most MPG playback software. Windows Media Player, for example, will crash every time you try to launch a raw file unless you have a codec installed that can handle the file directly from a ReplayTV unit. At the very least, you will need to create an "empty" dump file (see RTV 5K Tools documentation) and run the file through RTVEdit and RTVConvert before burning to a DVD.
  
• Some people like to use Womble (MPG-VCR) to edit their video because it affords more exact control. I have yet to edit a program using it where I did not have sound synchronization issues.
  

---------------------------------------
*Your PC should have sufficient free hard drive space to accomodate three times the amount of data for a single show. A one-hour television show recorded at medium quality takes up about 1.7 gigabytes. My system is running Windows XP on an Intel Pentium 3 running at 866 MHz with 640 megabytes of RAM and 140 gigabytes of hard drive space. I have a 120GB drive partitioned into a 20GB system volume and a 100MB storage volume, plus a 20GB drive I use for file transfers. This system handles the methods I use just fine.

** Part of the ReplayTV 5K Tools

Maybe it was something it ate

I finally decided that maybe the machine was smarter than I was. All this time, because I had installed Linux from this same CD set before, I had been skipping the disk integrity check. After failing completely with the spare CD-ROM drive, I decided to check the CD this morning.

Guess what... it failed.

I downloaded the ISO for disk 1 and burned another copy.

It just asked for disk 2...

It's not getting any better

If this run doesn't work, I'm giving up until morning.

I hear the train a comin'

Well... that didn't work.

Eventually the spash screen went away and the installer "terminated abnormally."

The friend I got the PC from did say he suspected the CD-ROM wasn't working right. No problem... what kind of geek would I be if I didn't have a spare sitting around...

Round three...

Is that light the end of the tunnel or an oncoming train?

Well, I zeroed out the primary hard drive and disconnected the secondary. I'm looking at the reflection of the RedHat spash screen for the installer. This is farther than I had gotten before... keep your fingers crossed.

It's Deja Vu all over again

I'm sitting here reading wilwheaton.net. The other computer in the room is quietly and desperately trying to install Red Hat Linux 9. I can't see the monitor directly because it's behind the hutch on my computer desk. I can, however, see its reflection in the window.

I went through something very similar to this about five... maybe six months ago. I had just purchased Teach Yourself Red Hat Linux 9 in 24 Hours at 50% off and was trying to force RH9 down the throat of a poor little Pentium 100 with something way south of 128MB of RAM.

Needless to say, that didn't go very well. I spent most of the evening glancing at the window only to see that each screen of the Linux installer was lingering for 20-30 minutes... it wasn't a pretty sight.

Well, I've acquired some upgraded - and I use the term loosley - hardware but it still looks like it's going to be a long night. When I initially booted the install CD, I went straight into the installer but it appeared to hang on the second screen. In my inexperience, I thought that maybe it was trying to determine what to do with windows 98 (which was what was installed on the machine). In the hopes of speeding things up (HA!!) I reset out of the installer, booted to a floppy and FDISKed the drive. Now, I glance into the window and see the same old blue screen it was using as a background when it asked me if I wanted to verify the integrity of my CD-ROM.

This has happened a couple of times already this evening. Sometimes it goes right to "Running Anaconda, the Red Hat Linux installer..." Sometimes it takes about 20 minutes to get there but every time it errors out before the installer starts running in GUI mode.

I think my mojo has a slow leak. I seem to be technically challenged for the past two weeks. Last week, I had to completely restart a reinstallation of Windows XP because my flosgometer had become discalibrated causing a vinvectification of the hankle nut that no amount of swizzling could rectify. (basically, Windows update wouldn't run reliably and the machine kept rebooting itself) So... I started over.

A similar technological hurdle happened at work. I asked for a laptop to work on a project and managed to get my hands on a Sony Vaio Picturebook (a sub-notebook computer). Any time I plugged a CardBus card (such as the network card) into the PCMCIA slot, Windows told me that the CardBus controller was not able to run in CardBus mode... go figure.

Eventually, I ended up with a different Picturebook (same model, different unit), reinstalled Windows XP on it and even managed to figure out how to get the screen resolution to 1024x480 (yeah, it's got an unusually-shaped screen).

Usually overcoming a technological challenge will recharge my mojo and I'm good for another 6-12 months. Now, I'm just flashing back to the last time I tried to install Linux and wondering why I bother some days.

Putting carts before horses

I have mentioned in the past about how absurd my work is getting. It has finally come to the ultimate absurdity.

I may have talked about some of this before so bear with me if I'm repeating anything.

Oklahoma State University is changing networking and email systems. This is not news to regular readers. I knew from about the beginning of the year that I would, in some way, be responsible for coordinating or supervising the desk-side visits for the migration. It was at that time that I was appointed supervisor over the three very capable people that make up on-site support. Even before then, I had been told that the Client Services area of the Information Technology Division would be hiring some temporary employees to assist departments with the migration process.

Contingent upon knowing how many people we would be hiring was knowing how much time we needed to allot for each visit to each computer. As the clock ticked down, I kept saying to myself, "I wish they would figure out what we're going to do at the desktops so we can figure out how long it's going to take."

About three weeks ago I learned that I was "they". It was at that point that I learned that it was my responsibility to put together the documentation that the migration technicians (for lack of a better term) would be using as a roadmap and checklist. Fair enough but someone had better show me how the new networking system worked. I could handle the mail system - I was already part of a test group using the new email client and it isn't much more than install the software and connect to the mailbox. There are some other special considerations with email but those situations are only going to apply to about 10-20% of the people we work with.

At any rate, I proceeded to document some of the email procedures while waiting to get some time in the test lab with one of the server admins. That time finally came about a week and a half later and I left more confused than when I went in. But I had notes and figured I'd get so far then get someone on the phone and start asking questions.

The questions came sooner than I thought.

I lined out the steps to add a workstation (not a person) to the new network, then suddenly realized I had a procedural question on my hands... Who was going to be adding the workstations to the network? Was that being done on the front end or the back end?

It was shortly after I got an answer to that question that I stumbled head-first over the reason I hadn't gotten very far in this endeavor and smacked my face on the pavement.

My meeting about adding workstations was Tuesday morning (as in two days ago). Later that morning, Charles called me into his office to discuss the meeting he and several others had attended the previous day. They had spent three and a half hours debating and lining out the on-site migration procedure. That's right, the same procedure I was supposed to be documenting.

That's when the headache hit. I realized I was attempting to document a procedure that hadn't been defined yet. A procedure, in my mind, that should have been finalized even before I was asked to document it three weeks ago.

Charles had put together a simple flowchart based on his notes from the meeting. Charles likes flowcharts and, frankly, so do I. I took a copy of his flowchart and studied it. I quickly realized that if this procedure ever had a hope of being documented properly, I was going to have to flesh it out, look at it as a whole, then start putting together written instructions on how to complete each step.

From my notes, Charles' flowchart and a vague understanding of what we are trying to accomplish, I came up with four - count them, FOUR! - seperate procedures that I lined out in flowcharts. It's no wonder I've been feeling like a blind man stumbling around in a crowded room.

By the time I completed them Wednesday afternoon, Charles had left the office for the day - probably to class. He wasn't in most of the day today and, when he was in, he wasn't available. Given the way he works, though, I'm sure he's looked them over by now. I posted the flowcharts to a web site and emailed him that I wanted him to look them over. I'll talk with him about them tomorrow and if he's not in his office, he's getting a call on his cell phone.

It is now less than four days before the production environment goes online and we migrate the first group within IT. I don't even have so much as a portion of a rough draft of a part of a segment of one of the procedures. Fortunately, no one is nagging me for it because they realize they tasked me with what was, at the time, an impossible duty.

Once those procedures are approved, though, watch me fly!

Saying goodbye to The Bear

Baron is my first dog... ever. We call him Bear. Bear is a Golden Retriever cross and he's nearing 14 years old. Based on the chart at the vet's office, that makes him... really old. He's off the scale but from what I can tell it looks like he's over 100 in dog years. Bear has arthritis and I think he had a minor stroke about a year ago.

I love my dog but I'm preparing myself for when he's gone. Over the past two or three years, he's been slowing down. This past winter we let him stay inside a lot because the cold aggravates his arthritis. He's gotten to the point where it's painful for him to sit. If he's not standing, he's lying down. If he's lying down, he's usually asleep.

The last couple of days Bear has refused to go out in the morning without a lot of prodding and convincing. He just wants to stay put.

I figure every day we have with him now is a bonus. I often watch him sleeping to be sure he's still breathing. I figure one day I'll wake up and... well, he won't. When that happens, I'll look forward to the day we meet in heaven. He's a very good dog. He's a very smart dog. I will miss him after he's gone.

"I haven't felt this bad since we saw that Ronald Reagan film."*

I'm sitting here babysitting my computer while Windows XP Update runs in the background. This whole thing started more than 72 hours ago. That's right, kids, I was all primed and ready and started my Windows XP reinstall - or, tried to, rather - Wednesday night.

I haven't run into this much trouble with an operating system install since that time I made the mistake of attempting to install Windows ME. Boy, was that scary. After three days and numerous false starts I still didn't have a computer that would boot on its own.

Anyway, let me start from the beginning...

With all of the software I've been testing, trying, downloading, installing, and uninstalling in an effort to edit and burn video from my Reply TV unit, it has left my hard drive rather fragmented and left my registry a bit... cruddy. I also wanted to change my hard drive partitions around and a full reinstall seemed the best way to clean everything up. Over the past few weeks, I've been backing up data onto DVD and DVD-RW and removing it from the hard drive. By Wednesday night, I'd finished enough video projects and moved the last of the data onto a different physical drive. I popped the XP CD into the drive, set the BIOS to boot from CD before the Hard Drive and hit the reset switch... and nothing happened. The computer continued to boot from the hard drive.

I fiddled around with it a bit and even went so far as to use repartitioning software to crack the partitions and clear the drive... still nothing... I went to bed.

On Thursday morning, I decided to drop a trash bag over my CPU (it was raining - heavily) and take it into work with me. I already had a theory as to why the system wouldn't boot from the CD but it involved removing and reconfiguring hardware. I figured the system was seeing the DVD-R drive as the "first" CD device and the CD-RW drive as the "second" and for some reason it didn't want to boot from the DVD drive.

I was right. Once I disconnected the DVD drive and the second hard drive, then moved the CD-RW drive into the same position the DVD drive once occupied... it booted just fine.

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?... HELL NO!... Germans?... Forget it, he's rolling... And it ain't over now!"**

So, here I am, sitting with 120MB of unpartitioned hard drive space and Windows XP says, "Where do you want to go today?" I create two new partitions, one 20 GB and one almost 100GB then proceed to tell Windows to install onto the 20gig partition using NTFS... it fails 5 minutes later telling me I may have bad sectors on my hard drive... I try again with the same results.

Okay... time to check things out. I download the hard drive manufacturer's diagnostic tools using my office computer, boot to the floppy and proceed to check out the drive. Two hours later, I've certified the drive as error free and written zeros to every sector (this, in geek speak, is known as a low-level format).

Five minutes into the NTFS format, it fails telling me I may have bad sectors on my hard drive.

Fine... FINE!! Have it your way!!!

I give it a shot using the FAT32 file system and it works like a... well, it works like my computer always works on OS installations. It occasionally hangs on this file and that (never the same files) while copying them to the hard drive. You just keep hitting retry whenever it hits one of these speedbumps and the machine eventually has everything it needs.

By 16:40 (20 minutes before the whistle blows) it has 32 minutes left for installation. Fortunately, I'm saved from having to explain to my wife why we have to stay at work late by a BSOD ten minutes later.

When I got the machine home, reinstalled the removed hardware, put the covers back on and reconnected it to life support, I had to start the setup process all over again (not the install, but the setup). Once I'd confirmed my regional settings, set the clock for -6:00 GMT (Central Time US/Canada) and once again entered the installation code, I was told Windows setup would be done in approximately 39 minutes thankyouverymuch.

[sigh] 24 hours and I was where I should have been in about an hour. Not bad for a Sunday afternoon -- considering it wasn't Sunday. (Before anyone starts wondering what could possibly be wrong, I'm pretty sure my motherboard has a bad memory socket and it often wreaks havoc... but not usually to this extent.)

So, I'm sitting staring at the beautiful picture of rolling green hills and blue sky that Microsoft chooses to call "bliss" and I think to myself, "What's next?"

For those of you that don't know, an unpatched Windows XP computer connected to a network has a lifespan of about 15 seconds (seriously!) before it's hacked and compromised by one of several viruses floating around. Now, you won't notice this particular buggie but it will use your machine to do bad things to other computers... not a good situation to be in. With that in mind, my computer has been disconnected from any network up until this point. (for those of you who want to survive a Windows XP installation without being compromised, check out Windows XP: Surviving The First Day published by the SANS institute.) I run a couple of updates and utilities (just in case) from a CD I made and plug my baby into the network.

Step 1: Connect to the Windows Update page and download Service Pack 1. This is an easy maneuver... in theory.

For some reason, SP1 gets about 90% downloaded then one little module decides it doesn't want to pass a CRC (cyclical redundancy check) or something and the whole thing comes to a screaching halt. So, what's a technician to do? Go download the full package and install it from the hard drive instead of relying on WinUpdate to handle it.

Okay, so now I'm about two hours into my Thursday evening (Post-Survivor) and haven't really gotten anywhere. I double-click the SP1 installer and things start to... collapse. The damn thing won't run because it can't verify the validity of update.dll or some such misc. piece of the puzzle.

CRAP!!

And the story gets even more interesting...

A service pack is a bundle of patches that can be downloaded and installed as a single file (it's actually a little more complicated than that but for the purposes of the story...). In other words, all of the pieces of SP1 are listed as individual updates. So, I have to install them individually... big deal.

Yeah... right!

I figured I could leave the update runing overnight and it would be finished in the morning. Not so. For some reason, some of the patches are being reported as having, "not passed Windows Logo testing." and won't install. (SAY WHAT!!!??? It's your damn software!!) I spend the rest of the morning - while trying to get dressed - dismissing error boxes. I finally dismissed the last one and the installation finished during lunch.

Out of forty-some available updates, a grand total of SIX updates were successfully installed.

So, we start over and I'm sitting here babysitting my computer while Windows XP Update runs in the background.

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*That's a quote from Airplane in case you didn't get the reference.
**That's a quote from Animal House
-------------------------------------------------------------------

p.s. If you happen to have an extra Socket 370 ATX motherboard lying around that will take a 866MHz PIII FCPGA chip... let me know.

How Bizarre

I was just reading my sister's blog and she had an entry about The Book Quiz.

Here's what mine came up with:



You're The Fellowship of the Ring!

by J.R.R. Tolkien

Facing great adversity, you have decided that your only choice is to
unite with your friends and neighbors. You have been subject to a ton of squabbling and
ultimately decided that someone humble is your best candidate for a dangerous mission.
You're quite good with languages and convinced that not all who wander are lost. If you
see anyone in black robes on horseback, just run. That's just common sense.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Armed with this information, go back and read my last post and tell me if you don't get chills up your back.

Perceptions

I haven't written much lately for two reasons. First, I've been balls-to-the-wall at work. There are so many things going on and the directives seem to change so often, it's hard to keep my thoughts straight some days. The second reason is because I want this to be fun: Both for me and for my readers. With all of the pressure and stress, I haven't felt very insightful. Almost every day I'm ready to throw in the towel and give notice or simply walk away.

This past Monday was a very bad day. My team and I were tasked last Friday with setting up an ad-hoc computer lab to allow a vendor to demonstrate some software. We learned of the demonstration at 8am Friday and the demonstration was set for after lunch on Monday. We needed to secure at least two computers, set them up similar to our student labs, upgrade them with a newer operating system, apply all patches and tie them into the test environment.

I'm very proud of my guys. I asked them to make it happen and so they did with nary a grumble (a question or two but nary a grumble).

By 5pm on Friday, I knew what progress had been made during the day and had a good idea how far we had to go before Monday afternoon...

I stewed about it all weekend. This was just another in a series of last-minute changes and emergency needs that reflected, in my eyes, our lack of preparation for this migration to take place in 4 weeks. The biggest problem was that I didn't know that was what I was stewing about. All I knew was that something was gnawing away at me and was causing me to be grumpy and hateful all weekend.

My guys completely rearranged their priorities and put off previously scheduled support visits to get this ready. I agonized over whether what we did would lead to a successful demonstration and I let that color my attitude for four straight days. And as far as I know... The vendor never so much as stepped foot in the building.

By Monday evening, I was broken. I tried letting off some steam but only managed to anger my spouse. When she verbalized this, I turned everything internal and spent most of the night an emotional wreck.

Since then, I have been blessed to have two very enlightening conversations. Curiously, the first was longer than the second but the second had more impact.

My first conversation was with a man I've known at the University for about four years. When I first met Rod, he was working for the College of Engineering. I didn't think much of him then because he came off as... how can I describe it... proprietary. He was part of a group that tended to do their own thing their own way and he seemed quite willing to go along with it. That, and he tended to play devil's advocate which I thought tended to complicate issues at the time but now realize it tended to clarify them.

At any rate, he now works for the library and I've noticed he takes a different approach even though he still works for the University. During our conversation I figured out that he tends to echo the management he's under. That's not to say he's a brown-noser or a yes man. The Dean of Engineering is a very straightforward "make it happen and don't tell me why you can't, tell me what needs to be done so you can." The Dean of Libraries, however, is more analytical and practical (from what I can tell). In each of those cases, Rod has simply utilized operational techniques similar to those of his managers and has done so to his benefit.

But I digress...

As Kevin and I were walking over to the Student Union to get breakfast, we ran into Rod. As per standard procedure lately, we began mildly lamenting our situation. We didn't get very far before Rod began telling us about how he looks at the reformulated IT Division and their recent activities from an outsider's perspective. He was the first technical person I've spoken with since this whole thing started who didn't start the conversation with, "What the hell are you guys doing over there?" It was quite refreshing.

Nothing specific about what he said really stands out in my mind. To be honest, I was too busy digesting his words and how they related to my current situation to remember any of them. What I remember is how I felt after. Rod was very relaxed about the whole situation. He wasn't worried about what if this doesn't work, what if that doesn't work and what are we going to do about situation X? Why? Because he knew the success or failure did not rest on his shoulders. He also knew that, given that his area's conversion dates are toward the end of the cycle, by the time we got to him, we'd have most of the kinks worked out.

So, what did I take away from that? The success or failure of this project does not rest entirely on my shoulders. I should worry about making sure my part of it gets done to the best of my abilities with the resources I have and let the rest of the project worry about itself.

The second conversation was this afternoon with one of our server admins, Jason. Jason was working with me to get some computers connected to the test environment and was helping orient me to the portions of it that I was unfamiliar with. I mentioned to Jason that I felt like a blind man just being led around by the hand. I had no concept of where I was but was sure I'd get oriented once I got my bearings. Then he said it...

"I feel like a little kid who's been dropped in a pitch-black room but has decided to run across the room anyway. I just keep running and every once in a while I'm like, 'Whoops! Found a chair' but I just keep on running."

That comment lifted my spirits a bit and soaked in over the rest of the afternoon. About five minutes before I sat down to write this, it triggered an epiphany... Call it a paradigm shift, if you will.

So what if we run into a chair now and then. Sure, it hurts a little and it causes us to stumble but who cares... nobody died. If we keep running back and forth, eventually we'll learn the layout and know our way around. Then, when this part is all over, we'll be that much more wiser and stronger... even if we do have bloody shins.

Who thinks this stuff up?

I had an over-the-lunch-hour appointment today and was late getting something to eat. I swung into Sonic, a regional drive-in restaurant that actually started right here in Stillwater, OK, for a nosh.

Sonic runs monthly specials. Each month, an item off their menu is offered at a special price. Sometimes it's just their extra-large drink, the Route 44, sometimes it's the Brown Bag Special (2 burgers, 2 fries, 2 drinks), and sometimes it's one of their Toaster sandwiches (burgers and other sandwiches on Texas Toast). This month, the special happens to be the Chicken Strip Dinner and a drink for $4.49. The normal price for the Chicken Strip Dinner alone is $4.99.

This is exceptionally fortuitous since what I want is a Chicken Strip Dinner.

I have started drinking a lot of water. I do this because water is a better drink for you than anything else you can drink and being hydrated helps several different systems in your body function properly. For additional health reasons that have arisen over the past couple of days, I have decided to avoid carbonated beverages altogether for a brief period. I think I'm pretty much going to stick to water and milk.

With this in mind, I pull up and push the red button. After a minute or so, a voice comes over the speaker...

Welcome to sonic may I take your order?
Yes, I'd like a Chicken Strip Dinner with water, please.
Chicken strip dinner and a water. Will there be anything else?
No, thank you.
Okay. Your total is $5.41. We'll have that right out.

Now, somewhere back in 1995 the mathematical circuits of my brain shut down from lack of use. Even in my debilitated state something didn't seem right here. I know our tax rate is less than 10%. Even at 10%, the tax on $4.49 is only 45 cents.

... Let's see ... $4.49 plus $0.45... add the five, carry the 3, stand on your left foot while the moon is full... that comes out to... let's see... ummm... carry the five, add the sum of the square root of the hypotenuse of an isocelese triangle... ummm... not $5.41.

I push the red button again. After about 30 seconds, the voice comes back...

Is there something else I can get you?
Well, I was just wondering, if the Chicken Strip Dinner is on special for $4.49, how does that come out to $5.41?
[with a bit of attitude this time] You ordered water the special comes with a drink.
Okay...
Would you like a drink?
[With my own attitude, trying to convey how absurd this all is] Well yeah! Especially if it's going to save me 50 cents.
What would you like to drink?

At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "WHO CARES??!! I'm not going to drink it anyway!"

A Sprite, I guess... [thinking quickly that they may substitute for the water I really want]... and a water.
Your total is $4.86
Thank you.

I wait the predetermined amount of time for which is necessary to prepare, box up, and deliver four chicken strips, a side of french fries, a piece of texas toast, a miniturized styrofoam vat of white-cream grave, a solitary onion ring, a medium sprite and a medium water. Sure enough, right on time, along comes a carhop.

She hands me the first cup. Here's your Sprite
This one is the Sprite?
Yes

I keep my hand on it as she calls off and hands me the other cup and a paper bag containing my boxed meal. She repeats my total and I hand her a five-dollar bill. As soon as she hands me my change, I hand he back the Sprite explaining that I don't want it and she can do whatever she wants to with it. Her confused look confirms that she is not, in fact, the same one who took my order.

As she returns with the aforementioned soda, I silently hope it pisses off order-taking-girl for causing me an inconvenience and as punishment for not thinking about customer service.

I smile and drive away.

WOW - What a story that might make...

I was looking for a writing prompt and decided to go over to The Instant Muse. This site has a poetry starter and a story starter. When I hit the GO button, this is what I got...

My main character/protagonist is a male.
My main character is a secretary.
An archetype present in my story is Messiah.
A key object or symbol in my story is a fishing rod.
My story will be set in a toy factory in Taiwan.
My story is about respect.

A male secretary with a fishing rod at a toy factory in Taiwan...

I think if it didn't say Messiah I might go for it but I don't feel like moralizing right now. Maybe I'll come back and "play" with it later...

A leg up

Since my friend Ron hasn't updated his blog in over two months, I thought I'd let everyone know he has his temporary leg and is getting around very well.

In other words... Hey, Ron. When you gonna update your blog? [wink & smile]

Has it been that long?

I just looked at my archive links and realized I've been doing this for more than EIGHT MONTHS!!! I don't believe I've kept any one of the many journals I've started - by force or by desire, electronic or written - for that long. At least, not consistently.

I'd like to thank the academy and you, my four loyal readers, for helping me meet this suspicious milestone. [wink]

Yes, you read right... I have four readers. Mary, Ron, my father, and Kevin on occasion. But even one reader makes all the difference. I have an audience. I'm not just writing for my own benefit. I am not the only one who will read these words.

If anyone else is out there please drop me a line.

A good time was had by all.

Yesterday was a GREAT day. Not that I was at the top of my game or anything but I felt better physically, emotionally, and mentally than I have in two months. I actually enjoyed the day. There was no anxiety, no worries, no deep concerns, and I even did a good deed. My biggest concern was what to have for lunch.

I woke up at about 4:30-ish in the morning. I had a stomach ache.

Flashback: Friday night

Shelly and I had decided to have a few friends over to watch Stargate: SG-1. Our friend Norma usually comes over because she is a big fan of the series and no longer has cable TV at her house. We decided to make more of an event of it and I invited Kevin, with whom I share an office. We decided to have a cookout as Kevin has been suggesting we do since the end of the summer.

At any rate, the gathering got a little larger that afternoon when I learned that another friend's wife had quit her job. This was made doubly interesting because they both work at the same company and said friend had been laid off Monday evening... I decided they needed a break and invited them to come along. The wife was on her way to an event over the weekend so it ended up being her husband and their kid, but I think they were glad for the diversion.

So, Kevin brings hamburger meat, we have bratwurst in the fridge, and Shelly picked up hot dogs for the young'n. I prepared the hamburger and proceeded to cook the whole thing up on the grill in thirty-degree weather with lingering snow on the surface of the deck... It was a blast!

Somewhere between the two beers, two cokes, bratwurst with sauerkraut, cheeseburger, and chips...

I woke up at about 4:30-ish in the morning. I had a stomach ache.

I tried to ignore it, go back to sleep and just let my digestive system deal with it in its own time. By 5:15 or so, I was in the kitchen boiling water to make some tea (it usually settles my stomach).

While waiting for the water to boil and later while sipping the tea, I was checking out online retailers for local stock...

Flashback: A couple of weeks ago

I have been wanting to turn my computer into a video authoring station. Several months ago, I upgraded to a 120-gigabyte hard drive and this past Christmas, I received a DVD Recorder drive. I was halfway there - I had room to store the files and a way to record them... but no way to get them from their source (video tape, off-air, etc.) into the computer.

I had done some research and a friend told me about a magic black box. This magic black box takes analog input (from VCR's, camcorders, etc.) and converts it to a firewire output, like you would get from a digital camcorder. The problem: The MSRP is $249.00 (although, they were selling on eBay for around $200.00).

Now, this desire for the ability to transfer recorded material onto DVD is actually shared with my spouse. She has every episode of a short-lived television series on VHS. The tapes are beginning to wear out and she would much like to transfer them to a more permanent format, editing out the commercials if possible. (before anyone goes screaming about copyright, this is for personal use only and if the series were available on DVD, she would buy it... in an instant.)

To make a long story even longer, I have often thought that a DVR (Digital Video Recorder) would be a really cool device to have. A DVR is basically an intelligent VCR that records to a hard disk instead of tape. The device also allows you to pause live TV, run instant replay, etc. ala TiVo. The only problem is, most of the devices have no way to transfer the video from the device to any sort of lingering storage, such as a DVD, without paying an arm, a leg, and possibly a spleen. And those that have built-in DVD recording, do not allow for any sort of editing.

Again, I did some research and, through The Screensavers Message Boards, I learned that the Replay TV units - with the help of some open-source software - allow you to download your recorded video to your PC. It makes sense that the Replay TV units would be able to do this since they have a built-in Ethernet connection. You simply hook it up to your home network and it's much like browsing shared folders on another computer. (the Ethernet connection is primarily used in lieu of a telephone connection to download programming information from Replay TV)

So, I give this information to my wife and let her know that the DVR takes care of encoding and recording the video and all we have to do is transfer it to the PC, edit out the commercials, and burn it to DVD.

Fast Forward back to Friday night...
after some discussion, we have been bidding on a couple of Replay TV units on eBay. I spent part of the evening watching the auction during the commercials. I was outbid at the last minute so...

While waiting for the water to boil and later while sipping the tea, I was checking out online retailers for local stock...

Oddly enough, many of the national retailers they work with do not carry the units in-store. It wasn't until I checked out CompUSA that I found one available for local pickup. Everywhere else I had to order it.

Eventually, my tummy settled down and I went back to bed. When the dogs woke me up about three hours later, I really wanted to hop in the car, head for Oklahoma City and pick up a Replay TV unit... but the wife wasn't up yet and spending that kind of money without the consent of both parties in the household is usually not a good idea... so I went to Wal-Mart.

No, Wal-Mart doesn't carry DVRs - we needed groceries and I thought it would be a good diversion to pass the time until I could chat with Shelly about going to OKC.

Lucky for me, she was up when I got back. Also lucky for me, her cancelled show was playing on the Hallmark Channel at 10:00pm (the reason we upgraded our satellite program package a week earlier)... I had my ace in the hole.

She came out and told me that Norma had invited us to the movies and asked if I wanted to go along. I took a look at what was showing (and what they wanted to see) and said, "No, I don't think so." Then I told her about my 5am web surfing and that I was considering going to OKC to buy a DVR... She hesitated. We went back and forth a bit (I could tell she really wanted to do this but was trying to justify the expense) until I finally pulled out my trump card...

"Let me put it this way. Wouldn't it be nice to have the Replay unit set up and ready to record in time for the Magnificent Seven [her show]?"

That did it... twenty minutes later, I was on my way to Oklahoma City.

There is more to this story but I will have to finish it later. This entry has actually been sitting on my hard drive for a week now and I haven't added anything significant to it. I changed the time during the posting process to match the time it was actually written.

Holy Crap!

I was just noticing something yesterday. Oklahoma State University President David Schmidly (scroll right to see the picture) looks a lot like Peter Griffin from the Family Guy cartoon.

Update: They have changed the picture on Dr. Schmidly's bio page so there is not such a striking resemblance to Peter Griffin... I wonder if they made the connection, too.

Another update: I found the Peter-Griffin-esque photo of Dr. Schmidly on another University web site... check it out.

Did that really come out of me?

So there I was, lying naked in the street, having just been hit by a bus...
Hey, every story has to have a really good beginning, doesn't it?

Anyway... So there I was, talking with a co-worker about the current state of affairs at the office. With the way OSU has been taken over by Texas Tech and the sweeping changes that we're being forced to endure... people talk.

I've talked enough in past posts about what changes are being made... and wondering where the money is coming from?... that regular readers should know by now the circus of the absurd I am putting up with. The scuttlebut, based on the past actions of our Red Raiders, is that they will pack up and leave within a year - after they've put us through the hell of layoffs, attrition, and multiple, simultaneous, major migrations - leaving us to pick up the pieces and rebuild the relationships and hard-won trust we so diligently built over the past five years that they have so quickly eradicated in the past nine months.

[but I'm not bitter!]

During this discussion, I turned to my co-worker and said - not knowing how I was going to finish - "If you're going to come in and stir things up..." Then... it hit me... "...you should at least stick around to serve the soup."

Remember... you heard it here first.
"If you're going to come in and stir things up, you should at least stick around to serve the soup."

Roots

This past October, I went on a fishing trip with my father. If you go back to the October archive, you'll see all of my entries from the trip.

During the trip, I sat down and gathered some very interesting information about my father and his family. Here is the one that most stands out in my mind...

My great grandfather, on my grandmother's side, was an artist. His name was Manlio R. Ciani.

When I say my great grandfather was an artist, I don't mean that he painted pictures. That is, he didn't JUST paint pictures*. He painted a church once.

My great grandfather lived in Colony, NY, just outside of Albany. Almost across the street from the house where he lived was a church. Inside that church are murals and inlay and details that my grandfather painted... by hand.

Dad told me the location of the church and I have that on tape. Some day, I am going to visit that church and stand in awe at the beauty of my great grandfather's work.



*It was with a sense of loss that I listened to my father describe how one of his cousins found several of Manlio's paintings in an attic and destroyed most if not all of them.

What's in a name?

Yet again, I am reminded of why I named this site what I did...

I just spent the last 45 minutes placing a rather creative stream of consciousness into the whitespace of the blog editor... and my computer spontaneously rebooted.

Remember, kids... save early, save often.

What will they think of next?

I was watching a show on The History Channel called Greatest Movie Gadgets. Basically, they show some futuristic gadget from the movies, then show how close we are to achieving that in the real world.

As I was watching, they showed a scene from Minority Report with self-driven cars. In the real world, the system they presented would be cost-prohibitive because of the power requirements. In California, however, they are experimenting with magnetically-guided self-driving cars. The system works like this: Magnets are embedded in the roadway - every four feet for testing purposes - and sensors on the undercarriage of the car measure the field strength of the magnets and "follow" the magnetic path.

What caught my interest was that the whole system is run by a single Pentium computer running at 166MHz. That brought up the old question, "What if Microsoft built cars?" Imagine the following conversation:

"On Star, how can I help you?"
"My car just stopped in the middle of the highway."
"Okay... Let me pull up a diagnostic on your vehicle. Please hold..."
[brief musical interlude]
"Hello, I'm back. Who am I speaking with?"
"This is John Smith."
"Okay, Mr. Smith, for some reason your vehicle is not responding to my command codes. Do you have a self-drive-enabled vehicle?"
"Yes, I do."
"Okay. Were you using the self-drive function when the vehicle stopped?"
"Yes, I was."
"Did anything unusual happen while the self-drive was engaged?"
"Yes... My car stopped."
[pause]
"I'm sorry... I mean, did anything unusual happen prior to the vehicle stopping?"
"I don't know, I was reading."
"Okay. Did any indicator lights come on?"
"No. Other than the ones that are always on."
"Is the self-drive still engaged?"
"I wouldn't think so since I'm not moving."
"I mean, is the self-drive indicator light still on?"
"Yes"
"Can you disengage the self-drive?"
"Didn't think of that... Hang on... [click]... [click]... [click]... [click click click click]... nope."
"Hmmm...."
"Ummm, you know, I'd love to chat with you all day but traffic is zipping by all around me and it's kind-of freaking me out."
"Okay, Mr. Smith. I'm going to connect you with Microsoft technical support..."
"No no no! Don't ..."
[musical interlude]
"Thank you for contacting Microsoft technical support. All of our agents are busy right now. Your call is important to us and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."
[musical interlude]
"Microsoft technical support, this is Bob, can I have your service account number?"
"I don't exactly have it handy at the moment."
"You'll find your service account number on a label either on the outside of the box or the back of the jewel case."
"Look, I'm kind-of stuck here and it's rather urgent that I get going again. Can we just get to the root of the problem?"
"Well... I'm not really supposed to... What seems to be your problem? Maybe I have an easy answer for you."
"Thank you. It just stopped."
"You lost power? That's a hardware problem. You'll have to consult your hardware manufacturer..."
"No! I did not lose power. If I'd lost power, I wouldn't be talking to you. It just stopped."
"So your system is locked up?"
"You could say that, yes."
"Have you made any changes to the system recently?"
"Well, I added some oil yesterday."
"Oil? We don't support non-Microsoft software. Please consult..."
"No! Oil is not software, it's a fluid."
"So, you have a liquid-cooled system?"
"Aren't they all?"
"They should be, especially if you're overclocking. My home system is liquid-cooled. I got it tweaked out with dual RAID-19 multi-drive arrays, triple dual-head video cards, six 21-inch LCD monitors..."
"I DON'T CARE!! Can we PLEASE get back to my problem?"
"Sorry. When was the last time you defragmented the hard drive?"
"De-whatted the what?"
"Defragmented the... nevermind. Open up my computer."
"How am I supposed to do that? You're miles away."
"No, open up your my computer."
"Are you speaking English?"
"Sorry, sir. Do you see My Computer on your desktop?"
"First, I'm not at my desk. I'm on the highway. Second, why would your computer be on my desktop?"
[pause]
"Okay.... Let's back up... Your system is locked up, right?"
"Yes, the locks are engaged... oh... wait... it's stopped, if that's what you mean."
"Yes."
"Look, can we hurry, here, I'm going to be late for a meeting."
"What were you doing when the system locked up?"
"Reading a newspaper."
"Online? So, you had your browser open?"
"No. I had my eyes open. I was reading a newspaper."
"What program were you using when the system stopped responding?"
"Rush Limbaugh was on the radio, I think... I wasn't really listening."
[pause]
"Sir, what have you done to try to correct the problem?"
"Nothing much. I called as soon as it happened."
"Okay. Are you able to close any windows?"
"There aren't any windows open."
"Okay. What happens when you push the start button?"
[****G R I N D****]
"OH! OUCH! That wasn't good. Let's not do that again."
"Whoa! Agreed, sir. What was that?"
"I don't know! You're the expert... look, I'm starting to get really nervous here."
"Just relax, sir. When was the last time the operating system was reinstalled?"
"I don't know as it's ever been reinstalled... I'd have to ask my mechanic."
"Okay... we could be dealing with a driver problem."
"There's NO need to get personal! I have no idea what happened! I wasn't doing anything, it just STOPPED!!"
"I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't talking about you."
"Well, nobody else drives my car."
"No, no. I mean a device driver. Something in the software that controls the devices inside the computer."
"Oh."
"Excuse me... did you just say car?"
"Yes. It was self-driving on the highway and just stopped. I called On Star and they connected me to you. Now there's traffic zipping by and I'm getting really nervous."
"Wow... I'm not sure how to tell you this but you were put in the Windows support queue. You need to talk to our vehicle support group."
"Vehicle support group? Sounds like an addiction... You mean that's not who I'm talking to?"
"No, sir... Let me connect you to that group."
"PLEASE don't put me on hold! Can you just call a tow truck?"
[musical interlude]
"Thank you for contacting Microsoft technical support. All of our agents are busy right now. Your call is important to us and it will be answered in the order in which it was received."

Camping on acid

My blog, my blog, my blog is getting longer...

(If you don't get this, don't worry about it)