I'm not sure I ever had a plan for my life. I can't tell you what, as a child, I wanted to be when I grew up as it changed from week to week, sometimes day to day. Heck, I still don't know. No, there was no plan, but there were expectations.
Whether my expectations were set by observing my parents and their friends or by society and the media I really can't say. But I'm almost 50 years old now and I'm not where I expected to be.
I expected I would be married and have a deep, deep passion for my "soul mate." I love my wife, whom I've been married to more than half my life now (27 years this year), and will love her deeply until I draw my dying breath but there seems to be a piece of that puzzle that either doesn't quite fit or is from a different picture.
I expected I would have children. This is something that has contributed to many existential crises as I get older. I see my friends doting on their children and now their grandchildren. My heart aches and regret swells.
I expected I would know more. This is more one of perception. I am aware that I have knowledge that many are ignorant of and that I am ignorant of many things that others have knowledge of. I do not aspire to be the smartest person in the room - several others took up that mantle long ago - but I hunger to understand more of the things I do know and wonder what I am missing.
I expected I would be better compensated. Many reading this probably had this same expectation. I saw people in TV shows and real-life who seemed to constantly move forward in their careers. All I ever seem to do is move sideways and when I do move forward it's either so big a leap that I can't handle it or it's into something far, far worse than where I am.
With so many expectations, whether realistic or fantastic, having outcomes that I would consider not toward the positive, is it any wonder I suffer from depression? Or is it the depression that makes me feel that my expectations haven't been met?
I've read enough business success and self-help books to know that I really need to shape my own destiny. The problem is that my destiny is a giant lump of drab, gray modeling clay sitting on the table before me that I have no earthly idea how to shape. It's not that I don't understand the mechanics of shaping it or that I don't feel I have the skill. The skill really doesn't matter as it can be refined over time. What I don't have is a vision. Will it be a human figure(ine)? What about something utilitarian like a cell phone stand? Maybe something grander like a model building or even a statue? Should it be something serious? Or something fun and outlandish? I just don't know. I stare and I stare but it just won't tell me what it wants to be. And for all my wishing (and judicious use of "The Force") it just won't shape itself.
So what to do about it? I need to discover what that lump of clay needs to become. Should I ask it questions? Should I simply push on it here and there and see what it starts to look like? Actually, that last one won't work. I tried that. I also tried starting to shape it into something - anything - to see what it looked like but usually ended up squishing it back into a lump.
I'm rambling. It's time to stop since I'm obviously not going to figure it all out in one blog post. I have no idea how to close out of this so I just say TTFN.
Showing posts with label Thought Processes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thought Processes. Show all posts
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
Musings for MLK day
Yesterday, I went to see "Hidden Figures." The story follows three black women who were part of the early NASA space launches. These ladies were mathematical geniuses and were responsible for calculations critical to the successful launch, landing, and recovery of our spacecraft. They and their role were never recognized until recently because they were female and they were black.
I grew up in a fairly progressive household. Skin color was no more than a descriptive trait and carried no more weight about the person themselves than hair or eye color. I was born toward the end of the civil rights movement and by the time I was aware, blacks were supposedly equal in the eyes of the law. I had heard they were treated unfairly but it meant no more to me at the time than hearing of the plight of the American Indian. Race riots and the Trail of Tears were equally outside my scope of true understanding.
I will admit that I bought into some of the propaganda about the differences in caucasions and blacks. I don't know where I picked it up but I honestly believed that blacks were mentally inferior to whites by simple genetics. Their brains were simply incapable of the same capacity. I didn't speak of it much because it was never really relevant but I mention it now because it illustrates my ignorance.
In the fourth grade, I started in the magnet school program in Tulsa, OK. The magnet school program took students from across the city and put them together for a fully integrated learning environment. This was not forced bussing. You had to apply and be accepted into the magnet program. Per my understanding at the time the goal was to be 50% white and 50% black or as close as they could get. I continued in the magnet school program through high school graduation and I met some of the most incredible, talented, and intelligent people of all races.
As I watched the movie yesterday I came to the realization that I do not understand and cannot understand the reality that people of color or non-caucasion races have to endure. The best I can do is to recognize when someone - anyone - is being treated differently and do what I can to correct that. But, like the characters in the film, my view is forever colored by the "caucasion colored glasses" through which I see the world. Sometimes I just don't have the capacity to recognize those injustices. Maybe we, caucasions, are the ones who are mentally inferior. Not by genetics but by experience.
There is a very powerful scene in the film where Katherine (Taraji P. Henson) finally boils over. She has been assigned to one of the main buildings from the colored computing group. As it turns out, the only colored ladies restroom on the entire campus is in the building that houses the colored computing group - almost a quarter mile away from the building where she is assigned. Her boss, Director Al Harrison (Kevin Costner), finally confronts her for being MIA for long periods of time every day. "Where do you go?" He asks. "To the bathroom." Comes her simple reply. "For fourty minutes!?" He's not angry but obviously being managerial, trying to address an issue. That's when she breaks. She explains to him her half-mile hike to get to and from the bathroom because there are no colored restrooms in any other building and it opens a crack in the flood gates as she educates her boss and co-workers about the kind of discrimination she has to endure. And you can see the awakening in Costner's eyes. You can see that she shone a light directly through his caucasion colored glasses so that he could see... so that he could understand just a fraction of what she has to go through for no other reason than she has dark skin.
It was in that moment that I realized I was like the Al Harrison character. I don't see it. It's nearly impossible for me to see the truth because my experience has not been painted with the same brush... or even the same paint. And, truth be told, sometimes that paint comes with prejudice mixed right in. I cannot stop my mind from reflexively telling me to shy away from someone who looks "less" than I do. I even do it sometimes with people I've known for over thirty years. I have to make a conscious effort to correct myself and recognize that our experience is different and not to judge them. And I hate that. I hate that I constantly have to tell myself that but I hope I will recognize and treasure the day when I don't: When none of us do.
I grew up in a fairly progressive household. Skin color was no more than a descriptive trait and carried no more weight about the person themselves than hair or eye color. I was born toward the end of the civil rights movement and by the time I was aware, blacks were supposedly equal in the eyes of the law. I had heard they were treated unfairly but it meant no more to me at the time than hearing of the plight of the American Indian. Race riots and the Trail of Tears were equally outside my scope of true understanding.
I will admit that I bought into some of the propaganda about the differences in caucasions and blacks. I don't know where I picked it up but I honestly believed that blacks were mentally inferior to whites by simple genetics. Their brains were simply incapable of the same capacity. I didn't speak of it much because it was never really relevant but I mention it now because it illustrates my ignorance.
In the fourth grade, I started in the magnet school program in Tulsa, OK. The magnet school program took students from across the city and put them together for a fully integrated learning environment. This was not forced bussing. You had to apply and be accepted into the magnet program. Per my understanding at the time the goal was to be 50% white and 50% black or as close as they could get. I continued in the magnet school program through high school graduation and I met some of the most incredible, talented, and intelligent people of all races.
As I watched the movie yesterday I came to the realization that I do not understand and cannot understand the reality that people of color or non-caucasion races have to endure. The best I can do is to recognize when someone - anyone - is being treated differently and do what I can to correct that. But, like the characters in the film, my view is forever colored by the "caucasion colored glasses" through which I see the world. Sometimes I just don't have the capacity to recognize those injustices. Maybe we, caucasions, are the ones who are mentally inferior. Not by genetics but by experience.
There is a very powerful scene in the film where Katherine (Taraji P. Henson) finally boils over. She has been assigned to one of the main buildings from the colored computing group. As it turns out, the only colored ladies restroom on the entire campus is in the building that houses the colored computing group - almost a quarter mile away from the building where she is assigned. Her boss, Director Al Harrison (Kevin Costner), finally confronts her for being MIA for long periods of time every day. "Where do you go?" He asks. "To the bathroom." Comes her simple reply. "For fourty minutes!?" He's not angry but obviously being managerial, trying to address an issue. That's when she breaks. She explains to him her half-mile hike to get to and from the bathroom because there are no colored restrooms in any other building and it opens a crack in the flood gates as she educates her boss and co-workers about the kind of discrimination she has to endure. And you can see the awakening in Costner's eyes. You can see that she shone a light directly through his caucasion colored glasses so that he could see... so that he could understand just a fraction of what she has to go through for no other reason than she has dark skin.
It was in that moment that I realized I was like the Al Harrison character. I don't see it. It's nearly impossible for me to see the truth because my experience has not been painted with the same brush... or even the same paint. And, truth be told, sometimes that paint comes with prejudice mixed right in. I cannot stop my mind from reflexively telling me to shy away from someone who looks "less" than I do. I even do it sometimes with people I've known for over thirty years. I have to make a conscious effort to correct myself and recognize that our experience is different and not to judge them. And I hate that. I hate that I constantly have to tell myself that but I hope I will recognize and treasure the day when I don't: When none of us do.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Early Morning Ramblings On Economics And The Existence Of God
I once watched a Joel Osteen sermon on television. My takeaway from the sermon was that God wanted for me the blessing of abundance but that the abundance would be delivered on God's schedule, not mine. It was inspiring, to be sure, but its message fades against the fabric of reality.
I look at the United States, one of if not the most abundant countries in the world, and wonder if God might not be hoarding his abundance. I speak from a personal perspective but also from the macro perspective. To be fair, God has always provided me and my family enough but when I look at the imbalance - the distribution of wealth, the wage gap, racism, sexism - I can't reconcile it.
I have heard that somewhere between six and eight families control 80-90% of the wealth in the United States and that the number of families living below the poverty line increases at an alarming rate every year. How can we sustain that? How have we sustained that for so long? I look at modern politics and modern economics and think that some day it all has to reach a critical mass and that day will come sooner than later. I fear that day. I fear that day because the preshocks have already occurred - The Great Depression, the dot com bubble, the housing bubble. Those were bad enough but I fear the tear that is occurring today will swallow us when the big one hits. It's not just the United States that will suffer. The global economy is so intertwined that the collapse of such a major power would destroy so much more than itself.
I am not a biblical scholar by any sense of the word. What I know of scripture is merely bits and pieces and stories. Religion is the source of my morality. My view of the Bible and scripture is more about that sense of right and wrong than of specific words. I thought I might include some bit of scripture here to play off of but I don't know the text well enough to locate anything that might closely express my sentiment.
Here's my point: If God so wants abundance for us all, why does it not seem that His abundance is being dispersed?
Is it because of the love of money in the hearts of those six to eight families? Are they, and not God, hoarding the abundance? How shall they be judged?
Is it because of a lack of faith? I want to believe in God but humanity makes faithfulness difficult. Between terrorist activities, greed, political corruption, broad-spectrum hate speech from religious groups (I'm thinking specifically of Westboro Baptist but there are other groups and other forms), abuse by and morally abhorrent behavior of "men of God," and universal (meaning enacted by the universe, not necessarily widespread) bullshit, there are times I consider atheism as much as agnosticism.
Is it because we have all deviated so far from the word of God? We lend and borrow and spend and acquire so much that we're forced to operate within a system that is inherently corrupt.
Is it because there is no God? The words in the Bible are written by the hands of men. Modern society is so far removed from that time and we have enough inaccuracy and controversy in the recording of our own history, how can we trust a book written so long ago and translated at least twice to present it in a living language? How many "versions" of the Bible are there, anyway? If the words are so divine, shouldn't there only be one? I mean, it's not like there's King James, New International, and modern paraphrased versions of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Where is the modern savior who will take it upon himself to drive the merchants and money exchangers from the temple? I'm not talking about the second coming or anything but of the person of power and influence who screams, "Enough!" I mean, look what happened in the mortgage collapse. Banks, actually those that run banks, knowingly sold services based on false pretenses and incorrect assumptions. They fleeced the public into believing they could get so much more for so much less. It was only a matter of time before those lies, and the economic repercussions of them, caused the shitstorm that they did. And what were the consequences? Money from the federal government (you and I) to bail them out of the situation they put themselves in and the reward to their leaders of bonuses so large that the average person does not even have a frame of reference for that level of disbursement.
If one person is not enough to effect such change, why are groups of people not rising up? We certainly should but we can't seem to even care enough to overturn our own congress. I think the reason that the last five presidents have served two terms is that it's easier for people to handle. It's not because they are great men but that they are the devil we know.
Where am I going with this? I don't really know. I woke up at 4 am with it rattling around in my head and had to get it out into the universe so I could go back to sleep (maybe).
I look at the United States, one of if not the most abundant countries in the world, and wonder if God might not be hoarding his abundance. I speak from a personal perspective but also from the macro perspective. To be fair, God has always provided me and my family enough but when I look at the imbalance - the distribution of wealth, the wage gap, racism, sexism - I can't reconcile it.
I have heard that somewhere between six and eight families control 80-90% of the wealth in the United States and that the number of families living below the poverty line increases at an alarming rate every year. How can we sustain that? How have we sustained that for so long? I look at modern politics and modern economics and think that some day it all has to reach a critical mass and that day will come sooner than later. I fear that day. I fear that day because the preshocks have already occurred - The Great Depression, the dot com bubble, the housing bubble. Those were bad enough but I fear the tear that is occurring today will swallow us when the big one hits. It's not just the United States that will suffer. The global economy is so intertwined that the collapse of such a major power would destroy so much more than itself.
I am not a biblical scholar by any sense of the word. What I know of scripture is merely bits and pieces and stories. Religion is the source of my morality. My view of the Bible and scripture is more about that sense of right and wrong than of specific words. I thought I might include some bit of scripture here to play off of but I don't know the text well enough to locate anything that might closely express my sentiment.
Here's my point: If God so wants abundance for us all, why does it not seem that His abundance is being dispersed?
Is it because of the love of money in the hearts of those six to eight families? Are they, and not God, hoarding the abundance? How shall they be judged?
Is it because of a lack of faith? I want to believe in God but humanity makes faithfulness difficult. Between terrorist activities, greed, political corruption, broad-spectrum hate speech from religious groups (I'm thinking specifically of Westboro Baptist but there are other groups and other forms), abuse by and morally abhorrent behavior of "men of God," and universal (meaning enacted by the universe, not necessarily widespread) bullshit, there are times I consider atheism as much as agnosticism.
Is it because we have all deviated so far from the word of God? We lend and borrow and spend and acquire so much that we're forced to operate within a system that is inherently corrupt.
Is it because there is no God? The words in the Bible are written by the hands of men. Modern society is so far removed from that time and we have enough inaccuracy and controversy in the recording of our own history, how can we trust a book written so long ago and translated at least twice to present it in a living language? How many "versions" of the Bible are there, anyway? If the words are so divine, shouldn't there only be one? I mean, it's not like there's King James, New International, and modern paraphrased versions of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
Where is the modern savior who will take it upon himself to drive the merchants and money exchangers from the temple? I'm not talking about the second coming or anything but of the person of power and influence who screams, "Enough!" I mean, look what happened in the mortgage collapse. Banks, actually those that run banks, knowingly sold services based on false pretenses and incorrect assumptions. They fleeced the public into believing they could get so much more for so much less. It was only a matter of time before those lies, and the economic repercussions of them, caused the shitstorm that they did. And what were the consequences? Money from the federal government (you and I) to bail them out of the situation they put themselves in and the reward to their leaders of bonuses so large that the average person does not even have a frame of reference for that level of disbursement.
If one person is not enough to effect such change, why are groups of people not rising up? We certainly should but we can't seem to even care enough to overturn our own congress. I think the reason that the last five presidents have served two terms is that it's easier for people to handle. It's not because they are great men but that they are the devil we know.
Where am I going with this? I don't really know. I woke up at 4 am with it rattling around in my head and had to get it out into the universe so I could go back to sleep (maybe).
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Fear And Anger
I am looking for my greatness.
Will my star shine bright or will I let it continue to be dim?
I am afraid.
If I hold back I will waste potential.
If I try too hard I may burn out and end up as a black hole.
I hold myself back.
I lie to myself that the resources are finite and I must not use them up. There is only so much I can use.
But when I lie I only increase my own resistance. I excuse myself from trying.
I know that the resources are replenished with each attempt - successful or not. Failure is always an option.
But I am afraid.
I want to throw everything into the fire and let it explode in spectacular fashion but it doesn't work like that.
Like gunpowder outside of a bullet it fizzles in a brief, anticlimactic poof.
I do not like the slow burn.
I want to see the elephant devoured not eaten one small bite at a time.
I am frustrated by my desire for quick results.
I fear I will lose interest and walk away from my greatness without ever knowing it.
I have done many things that I thought would grow if I only gave them attention only to find I'm not very good at them.
I try something else and it, too, withers.
Why do I stop when things get difficult?
Why do I never practice?
I took piano lessons for six years and never got past the simplified versions of the sheet music.
I want things to come naturally, to just happen. I know it doesn't really happen like that. All examples of greatness are stories of hard work and dedication.
I am afraid.
I have taken the next step in my perceived evolution and have failed miserably. More than once.
I like the low-hanging fruit but I'm truly not afraid to climb the tree... if I can see how to reach what I want. The fat, juicy, ripe fruit at the top of the canopy is so far out of site that I don't want to reach for it for fear of getting to the top only to find sour fruit or none at all. All the time ignoring the spectacular view.
I'm going to climb. I don't know where I will end up.
I started trying to write something prophetic here. An organized, insightful revelation of my thought processes so far. I took the first step, why not just take the second? The truth is it's not organized - as you can see. So this was just a stream of consciousness thing. I stopped where I did because I was starting to get angry with myself for telling myself it is better to have false, inaccurate limits than unreachable goals (that really aren't unreachable).
Maybe next time I should make a list of my accomplishments. A list of the things I know how to do, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Maybe that will help me see that I'm shining brighter than I think I am.
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
Find You Own Greatness
All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. - Doctor Who, The Rings of AkhatenThere are times in life when you see people surpass you who started at the same point you did or maybe a little behind. There are also times when you see someone being successful at the life you thought you would have. It is difficult not to compare yourself to them. It is difficult not to say, "That could be me." We all know that we are unique with our own blend of talents and shortcomings. We all know that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. But how do we embrace that uniqueness?
I was listening to my iPhone shuffle through all of the music uploaded to it when Ready to Hang by Wayman Tisdale came on. I probably met Wayman at some point since we went to the same high school but I couldn't tell you if he would have recognized me or not. He and my older sister were in the same class and knew each other well enough that Wayman once recognized my brother, who is one year younger than my sister, when Wayman walked past my him on an airplane. He stopped and asked my brother something like, "Aren't you Mary's brother?"
I was thinking about that story, that my brother likes to tell, and it got me to thinking about Wayman's life. He was a basketball star in high school, college and in the NBA. He even went to the Olympics. Wayman went on to have a music career and released eight albums. At one point I learned that he had taught himself how to play the bass... and he was pretty good at it. In 2007 he was diagnosed with cancer and had part of his leg amputated in 2008. He died in May of 2009.
I was reflecting on all of this: All of the amazing things he had done in his life despite it being cut short. Of course I'm no Wayman Tisdale. My star does not shine nearly as bright and it likely never will. What I want, however, is to be remembered as having done something with my life.
That's when it hit me: We can't all be the bright star in the sky but we can all shine in our own way. The trick is to find your own greatness. It doesn't matter that someone does something faster or better than you.
I was trying to finish that thought by saying, "What does matter..." but I'm not sure exactly what that is yet. I think that's part of what I'm looking for. This is just the first, tiny step and I hope I don't get distracted from this path. I need to find my greatness. I might already have it or it may be completely unrealized and yet to come. I have a friend that calls it Grabbing the Starfish. She explains it as "Knowing and working towards that one thing that you are supposed to be doing with your life." It sounded like a thousand other existential platitudes but I think I get it now.
Stay tuned. I'll probably bring you along for the ride.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
The Matrix: Revelations
My entire life I have been curious about how things work. I used to take things apart (if I could figure out how without breaking them) just to see what was inside - even if I didn't know what all those whozamajiggers did. At the time, I was just curious to see what the whozamajiggers looked like. Once, when I was 5 or so, my curiosity even figured out how to erase part of a pre-recorded cassette tape with the tabs broken out. I am the guy who will pay attention to - or at least look for - the man behind the curtain.
Today, I still have that same curiosity. I want to know how it works. I need to know how some small piece fits into a larger picture. When I send an email and it doesn't get to its destination, I want to know where it's been and why it came back or where it got stuck. That's why I learned to read message headers (hint: you read them from bottom to top). In networking your computer sends a signal down a wire, it goes to a box, some magic happens, then it ends up where it's supposed to be. I want to know what magic goes on inside the box.
But my curiosity goes beyond signal flow and systemic thinking. For instance, I have had cameras at my disposal since I was a child. I have taken many thousands of pictures in my life. Yet, many of my pictures are simply snapshots, not photographs. I understand a lot of the technical aspects of photography - aperture, shutter speed, ISO, depth-of-field, etc. - but somehow I haven't quite gotten the hang of composition. My eye sees a beautiful scene but somehow, when I click the shutter, I don't ever quite capture the emotion and excitement that comes with good composition.
It's like I'm seeing the Matrix code and it's just a bunch of random characters streaming down my screen. I recognize bits and pieces of code but I know it all means something. I want to see the matrix. I want to have a deep understanding.
Now, I know I can't know everything so there will always be parts of it streaming by that I don't understand - like quantum mechanics - but I want to be able to see the blonde, the brunette, the redhead, etc. (it's a movie reference for those who don't know) I feel like if I concentrate on one or two lines I'll begin to see it but there are so many many lines falling down the screen I keep losing track of the one I'm watching and getting distracted by others. Going back the my photography I want to see, in my mind, what the photograph will look like before I snap the shutter so that, when I see the captured scene, even if it's a little off it's not a surprise that it didn't come out or holds no interest.
Until then, I keep staring at the screen watching the pretty shapes falling down.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Even The Brief Encounters
I just got back from a funeral for a former coworker. Actually, I can't even call her that because we never really worked "together." We did similar jobs for different departments.
I didn't know her very well at all, really. In the last 24 hours I discovered that she has a brother, she was once married, she played a multitude of different musical instruments and apparently played them very well but was very humble about her talent, she loved animals of all kinds and that was a major focus in her life, she majored in languages in college and at least spoke German, and she was a scuba diver. So why did I go to her funeral?
I went to her funeral because I have known her for at least ten years and she was always a bright, positive and noticeable presence wherever she went. Each time we met she was always glad to see me. Not in the way that she was excited and loved to be around me. She always greeted me with a big smile and happiness in her voice like she was glad to know me, no matter how superficially. To tell the truth, I was glad to know her, too, no matter how superficially. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I attended a funeral to pay my respect to someone.
I didn't know her very well at all, really. In the last 24 hours I discovered that she has a brother, she was once married, she played a multitude of different musical instruments and apparently played them very well but was very humble about her talent, she loved animals of all kinds and that was a major focus in her life, she majored in languages in college and at least spoke German, and she was a scuba diver. So why did I go to her funeral?
I went to her funeral because I have known her for at least ten years and she was always a bright, positive and noticeable presence wherever she went. Each time we met she was always glad to see me. Not in the way that she was excited and loved to be around me. She always greeted me with a big smile and happiness in her voice like she was glad to know me, no matter how superficially. To tell the truth, I was glad to know her, too, no matter how superficially. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I attended a funeral to pay my respect to someone.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Am I Boring you?
There are people who know their lives are interesting to others and some of them bask in that and thrive on it. There are people who wish their lives weren't quite so interesting to others.
I think that if you ask most people, including many celebrities, they would say their lives are ordinary and mundane. That's what I think of my life. I've often considered the process of writing an autobiography but I can't think of anything to put into it.
I was born in Burlington, VT. So were thousands of other people. My first job was in a grocery store. Again, true of a large volume of the population. I was a nerd in high school. I went to college. I got drunk and partied in college. I miraculously graduated from college. I got married. I bought a house. etc. etc. etc. Sounds pretty plain, doesn't it?
So why is it that personal blogs remain popular? What do we find so fascinating about each others lives?
I think the reason other's lives are interesting is that their experiences either remind us of our own or their experiences are so outside our own that we are mesmerized by them. Yes, I was born in Burlington, VT like thousands of others. But only a few of them can say that their family has been so deeply involved in the volunteer fire department in Richmond, VT that the one and only time the town had a Fire Marshall was when they created the position to keep my grandfather, a highly respected and revered man, involved with the fire department as his health declined.
Yes, my first job was in a grocery store. But that job was as a bag boy. My only responsibility was to bag the groceries and assist people with transporting them to and loading them into their cars. An extinct occupation that faded into obsolescence like the attendant at the corner service station.
That's what makes those stories interesting. The components unique to my (the author's) experience. Doing the job that doesn't exist anymore. Having the personal connection to an entire town. Watching a friend take a flying kick at a trashcan while walking home from my 21st birthday gathering at the local watering hole... and having the distinct pleasure of laughing at him as I explained that they were bolted to the sidewalk.
So keep writing those blogs. Keep telling those stories. Keep sharing those experiences that I can either relate to or enjoy vicariously.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Dangerously Close To Becoming A Fanboy
Back in June, I broke down and bought an iPhone. Despite having to play in a walled garden I still very much like the device.
For Christmas, I received an iPad and haven't put it down for very long since I was first able to sync it with iTunes. The experience is very much the same as the iPhone. Same/similar limits in the operating system. Same restricted app installation process. Same protection by Apple from the outside world of rogue apps. I love it.
I was thinking about these two devices, how much I enjoy using them (despite their dictated limitations), and how much they have revolutionized the mobile communication and computing industries. I will gladly discuss the advantages, usefulness and revolutionary features of either of these devices with anyone who cares to ask. And that's when I started to wonder if I was becoming a fanboy.
Let me first give you my definition of a fanboy. The IBM/Apple debate has raged since the time of the Apple ][ and the original 8088-based IBM PC. The introduction of the Macintosh only added fuel to that fire. For most people, the debates between these very different worlds of Microsoft-based and Apple-based operating systems are religious wars. The fanboy, on either side of the argument, is the one who extols the virtues of his favorite device, ignores or waves aside the shortcomings of the same device, vehemently discounts any advantage of the other device, and lays open the disadvantages of the other device with surgical precision. His device is The One and The Only True Device.
I started thinking about these characteristics and, while I have ridden on the [insert device here] bandwagon several times I have never been so narrow-visioned to only see my device as having the features that would be everything anyone would ever need to the exclusion of all other devices. No device is perfect. I grew to dislike my Windows Mobile phone. The Pantech Matrix Pro had its limitations. And there are even some negatives in the iPhone.
The iPad is a real joy. A much larger screen to read from, watch movies, browse the web and play games. Amazingly, none of my gripes with the iPhone apply to the iPad. Give me a couple of days and I'm sure I'll come up with some.
In the end you find what works for you and you go with that. My perfect device is not your perfect device and it never will be. And that's why I don't consider myself a fanboy.
The iPad is a real joy. A much larger screen to read from, watch movies, browse the web and play games. Amazingly, none of my gripes with the iPhone apply to the iPad. Give me a couple of days and I'm sure I'll come up with some.
In the end you find what works for you and you go with that. My perfect device is not your perfect device and it never will be. And that's why I don't consider myself a fanboy.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Oh. Now I Get It
I love movies. This is not a secret to anyone who knows me or has perused any of a number of my online presences.
I see a lot of movies that are based on a formula - boy meets girl, girl likes boy but has no idea that he is in love with her, he is in denial that he's in love with her, he figures it out when she hooks up with another guy, he waits until last moment to confess his love to her, confession causes rift, girl breaks up with other guy and forgives boy, boy gets girl... lather, rinse, repeat. There are, of course, many different formulas but I am to a point where I can recognize them and know what is going to happen. You would think that would take all of the fun out of it but it doesn't. Well, sometimes it does but why would it ruin it sometimes and not others?
After seeing The Switch this evening, recognizing the formula, and liking it anyway I finally figured it out. The reason I like movies that are based on well-established formulas can be summed up in a single word: Characters. The formula movies I don't like have little to no character development or simply do not have compelling characters. Case in point, I enjoyed Armageddon and could care less about Deep Impact. I just could not make myself care about the characters in Deep Impact because they were so flat. The characters in Armageddon had depth to them. The story was not about the meteor, it was about the people.
But aren't characters what make any movie or television series compelling? Star Wars was not about a giant planet-killing sphere of death, it was about a farm boy realizing his destiny. Die Hard was not about a terrorist hostage situation, it was about a washed-up police detective becoming a reluctant hero because nobody else was there to do it. I could go on but you get the idea.
So I am now like the USA Network: Characters welcome.
I see a lot of movies that are based on a formula - boy meets girl, girl likes boy but has no idea that he is in love with her, he is in denial that he's in love with her, he figures it out when she hooks up with another guy, he waits until last moment to confess his love to her, confession causes rift, girl breaks up with other guy and forgives boy, boy gets girl... lather, rinse, repeat. There are, of course, many different formulas but I am to a point where I can recognize them and know what is going to happen. You would think that would take all of the fun out of it but it doesn't. Well, sometimes it does but why would it ruin it sometimes and not others?
After seeing The Switch this evening, recognizing the formula, and liking it anyway I finally figured it out. The reason I like movies that are based on well-established formulas can be summed up in a single word: Characters. The formula movies I don't like have little to no character development or simply do not have compelling characters. Case in point, I enjoyed Armageddon and could care less about Deep Impact. I just could not make myself care about the characters in Deep Impact because they were so flat. The characters in Armageddon had depth to them. The story was not about the meteor, it was about the people.
But aren't characters what make any movie or television series compelling? Star Wars was not about a giant planet-killing sphere of death, it was about a farm boy realizing his destiny. Die Hard was not about a terrorist hostage situation, it was about a washed-up police detective becoming a reluctant hero because nobody else was there to do it. I could go on but you get the idea.
So I am now like the USA Network: Characters welcome.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Decisions... Decisions...
I already know I want to get an iPhone. I had to wait a few months for my renewal date to come around in April. I waited until my birthday in May to check into it. I learned the iPhone4 was coming out in June... so I waited some more. Now the iPhone 4 has been announced and I have to wait for it, too. But do I want to?
I can get a 16GB iPhone 3GS for $97 right now from Wal-Mart (I will, of course, have to wait until they get them back in stock - or wait until AT&T drops the price). AT&T will eventually be selling the 16GB 3GS for $99. The 16GB i4 is going to be $199. I still have the $100 AT&T gift card so I have some options.
I'm jonesing for an iPhone. I didn't see any earth-shattering, gotta-have-it features of the i4. The biggest thing to me is the screen resolution and I can take it or leave it. But I don't want to wait anymore! Just like Veruka Salt, "I want it NOW!"
I think what will tip the scale between the 3GS and the 4 is how much the 32GB 3GS sells for. It is currently $299. If they drop it $100 like they're dropping the 16GB, I'll go for capacity over bells & whistles any day. I gotta admit, though, that those bells and whistles are kinda shiny.
The three items that intrigue me are the high-resolution screen I mentioned above, the front-facing camera (I could have some fun with that if you can record from it), and the stainless steel band that is supposed to function as an antenna and improve signal (but may also increase radiation output and bake the brains of half the world, thus accelerating Steve Jobs' plan for world domination).
To 4 or not to 4? That is the question. Whether 'tis more practical in the hand to suffer the slings and arrows of not having a fortune, or to take arms against the debates and by ignoring them, end them... and buy the shiny one. (sorry, Mr. Shakespeare)
I suppose two more weeks ain't so bad. They'll be taking pre-orders on Monday.
I can get a 16GB iPhone 3GS for $97 right now from Wal-Mart (I will, of course, have to wait until they get them back in stock - or wait until AT&T drops the price). AT&T will eventually be selling the 16GB 3GS for $99. The 16GB i4 is going to be $199. I still have the $100 AT&T gift card so I have some options.
I'm jonesing for an iPhone. I didn't see any earth-shattering, gotta-have-it features of the i4. The biggest thing to me is the screen resolution and I can take it or leave it. But I don't want to wait anymore! Just like Veruka Salt, "I want it NOW!"
I think what will tip the scale between the 3GS and the 4 is how much the 32GB 3GS sells for. It is currently $299. If they drop it $100 like they're dropping the 16GB, I'll go for capacity over bells & whistles any day. I gotta admit, though, that those bells and whistles are kinda shiny.
The three items that intrigue me are the high-resolution screen I mentioned above, the front-facing camera (I could have some fun with that if you can record from it), and the stainless steel band that is supposed to function as an antenna and improve signal (but may also increase radiation output and bake the brains of half the world, thus accelerating Steve Jobs' plan for world domination).
To 4 or not to 4? That is the question. Whether 'tis more practical in the hand to suffer the slings and arrows of not having a fortune, or to take arms against the debates and by ignoring them, end them... and buy the shiny one. (sorry, Mr. Shakespeare)
I suppose two more weeks ain't so bad. They'll be taking pre-orders on Monday.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
It Boggles The Male Mind
Women amaze me. Not just in the typical sense that women amaze men but I'm talking about how they think. With that comment I can already hear most of you saying, "Give it up, you'll never understand them." I'm not trying to understand them, I'm just making an observation of why I hold them in awe sometimes.
My wife has a female friend and they sometimes go out to dinner together (that is, without me). They have been known to have marathon meal breaks. When she finally gets home, my wife tells me that "she needed to talk [or we were talking] and lost track of time." I just don't see how women can do that.
We had dinner with this same friend last night and, as will happen very often, our friend talked about her recent conversations with her mother. Her father passed away somewhat recently and she calls her mother almost daily now. Listening to her discuss what they talked about, what is going on with other members of the family, and how her mother is feeling emotionally these days just fascinates me. It's not so much the actual content that dumbfounds me, it's the detail with which she presents it. I cannot recall a single conversation I've had with, well, anybody that I have been able to glean, much less recall, that much detail.
My parents don't hear from me very often. When I have something to say, I'll give them a call. I don't call "just to say Hi." If I did, it would be a very short conversation.
Joe: "Hi mom"
Mom: "Hi. What's up."
J: "Not much. Just haven't talked in a while and wanted to say hello."
M: "Oh, well it's nice to hear from you. Anything going on."
J: "Not so much."
...
M: "Want to say hi to your dad?"
J: "Sure."
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I've tried. I really have. I have sat at home and told myself that I should call them because I haven't talked to them in a while. I start toward the phone then I wonder what I'm going to talk about. I play some version of the conversation above in my head and give up on the idea. It's just as easy to send an email to my dad that says, "I'm still alive. Just wanted you to know."
It's not that I don't love my parents or family or friends. I don't have kids. Talking about my job tends to go over their heads a lot. The dog is too old to still be doing anything cute and translatable into dialogue. The wife and I really don't get out much. So, what is there to talk about? I could complain but they don't want to hear it and I would prefer not to be so depressing.
So, ladies, I applaud you. Your ability to converse about the most trivial of subjects and to actually make it interesting is worthy of an award. I just don't know which one.
My wife has a female friend and they sometimes go out to dinner together (that is, without me). They have been known to have marathon meal breaks. When she finally gets home, my wife tells me that "she needed to talk [or we were talking] and lost track of time." I just don't see how women can do that.
We had dinner with this same friend last night and, as will happen very often, our friend talked about her recent conversations with her mother. Her father passed away somewhat recently and she calls her mother almost daily now. Listening to her discuss what they talked about, what is going on with other members of the family, and how her mother is feeling emotionally these days just fascinates me. It's not so much the actual content that dumbfounds me, it's the detail with which she presents it. I cannot recall a single conversation I've had with, well, anybody that I have been able to glean, much less recall, that much detail.
My parents don't hear from me very often. When I have something to say, I'll give them a call. I don't call "just to say Hi." If I did, it would be a very short conversation.
Joe: "Hi mom"
Mom: "Hi. What's up."
J: "Not much. Just haven't talked in a while and wanted to say hello."
M: "Oh, well it's nice to hear from you. Anything going on."
J: "Not so much."
...
M: "Want to say hi to your dad?"
J: "Sure."
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I've tried. I really have. I have sat at home and told myself that I should call them because I haven't talked to them in a while. I start toward the phone then I wonder what I'm going to talk about. I play some version of the conversation above in my head and give up on the idea. It's just as easy to send an email to my dad that says, "I'm still alive. Just wanted you to know."
It's not that I don't love my parents or family or friends. I don't have kids. Talking about my job tends to go over their heads a lot. The dog is too old to still be doing anything cute and translatable into dialogue. The wife and I really don't get out much. So, what is there to talk about? I could complain but they don't want to hear it and I would prefer not to be so depressing.
So, ladies, I applaud you. Your ability to converse about the most trivial of subjects and to actually make it interesting is worthy of an award. I just don't know which one.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Do Only That Which Is Right
Although my father would almost assuredly cringe at the thought, I have been thinking about being ordained in the Universal Life Church. That's the internet church that you basically give your name and email to, like you were signing up for Facebook or something, and Ta-Da! you're clergy. I have thought about it before as a lark (for $12 you can get a certificate saying you're a "Reverend of Rock 'n Roll" or one of several other official- and not-so-official-sounding titles - I kind-of like "Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality") but backed out because it seemed somewhat sacrilegious.
So, why am I thinking about it again? I have a friend who is getting married. In two weeks. In the middle of nowhere. In Wyoming. And based on other indicators, I'm not sure he has exactly secured an officiator for this ceremony. I am driving out there with a mutual friend in a straight shot, we're going to crash in a hotel room for the night, attend the ceremony, then do a straight shot back to Oklahoma. If I'm going to go through all that trouble, I want to make SURE this thing happens even if I have to officiate it myself. As such, my ordination would not be for any spiritual reason, really, but only so I could legally solemnize the/a wedding. Of course, what I do with it from there... who knows?
So, why am I thinking about it again? I have a friend who is getting married. In two weeks. In the middle of nowhere. In Wyoming. And based on other indicators, I'm not sure he has exactly secured an officiator for this ceremony. I am driving out there with a mutual friend in a straight shot, we're going to crash in a hotel room for the night, attend the ceremony, then do a straight shot back to Oklahoma. If I'm going to go through all that trouble, I want to make SURE this thing happens even if I have to officiate it myself. As such, my ordination would not be for any spiritual reason, really, but only so I could legally solemnize the/a wedding. Of course, what I do with it from there... who knows?
Monday, August 17, 2009
The White Man Is The DEVIL
Yes. I said it. The White Man is the devil.
Consider this. The genes for dark skin pigmentation are dominant genes. Knowing that fact, it could be said that white people have been cleansed of their color so they could be recognizable for their lack of holiness. This is why African-Americans have such strong religious ties and such deep faith. The White Man must work harder to earn his place in Heaven because his mark of holiness has been removed.
That is why The White Man has so often treated those who were not white as lesser men. The White Man is angry that these people are obviously of the chosen. It is right there for everyone to see. The White Man desires to punish God for cleansing him of his rightful inheritance and therefore punishes those who bear the mark of God in their very skin.
The White Man is responsible for perpetuating slavery. The White Man is responsible for perpetuating racism. The White Man's actions throughout history cover five of the seven deadly sins. The White Man envies the chosen for their favored status with God. The White Man has perfected greed and extravagance to an art form.
And what of pride/vanity? The Bible says that God made man in his own image. But I say that The White Man has made God in his own image. Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Bethlehem is in the Middle East. Have you ever seen Jesus depicted with Middle Eastern features? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as a Hispanic? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as an Oriental/Asian? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as an African? I never have. I have only ever seen Jesus depicted as a Caucasian. How audacious is that? And let's not even get started on The White Man rewriting history to glorify himself.
I could rant on but I have run out of steam. This came out of a comment a friend made on a social networking site about "how 'off the mark' our notion of Jesus can be." It started as a bit of satirical commentary but I have come to see so many contradictions (one even pointed out by a priest during a Christmas mass!) within and between modern religions and so many updated interpretations (check the Wikipedia entry for the Seven Deadly Sins) that it's hard to know what to believe. It's hard to know in what to put my faith. It's why I don't go to church.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I have faith that God has a plan for me and that plan will unfold in God's time, not mine. Maybe not going to church is hampering my faith. How can I learn if I don't seek to be taught? But is it teaching or is it brainwashing? I mean, have you ever seen a Catholic mass? All the standing and sitting and kneeling and canned group responses to prompts from the priest like so many zombies. It's creepy when you really look at it.
I mean, for crying out loud, L. Ron Hubbard made up a religion on a dare and people take it seriously. I'm not saying they're wrong but who's to say who is right? Are the Catholics right because they look down upon the Baptists for their gathering and display of wealth rather than investing in philanthropic endeavors? Are the Baptists right for believing that Catholics are going to Hell because they aren't baptized as adults and don't profess that Jesus is their personal Lord and savior? Is the man on the corner right who preaches that Heaven is a chocolate choo-choo train and God is its monkey conductor? The one truth I can put my faith in is that when I cast off this mortal shell and my spirit moves on to the next plane of existence - when I go to meet God - I will learn what, exactly, is beyond this Earthly existence.
I don't know why this spark lit such a fire. I think it has been smoldering inside me for some time now but I have been unable or unwilling to put it into words. I don't even know what it really means now that I have put it into words. Maybe I should seek answers. Or should I wait for God to reveal them to me? Do you see my confusion?
Comments. PLEASE. I want to know what you think. Even if you just thought my opening was kinda fun (or kinda scary).
Consider this. The genes for dark skin pigmentation are dominant genes. Knowing that fact, it could be said that white people have been cleansed of their color so they could be recognizable for their lack of holiness. This is why African-Americans have such strong religious ties and such deep faith. The White Man must work harder to earn his place in Heaven because his mark of holiness has been removed.
That is why The White Man has so often treated those who were not white as lesser men. The White Man is angry that these people are obviously of the chosen. It is right there for everyone to see. The White Man desires to punish God for cleansing him of his rightful inheritance and therefore punishes those who bear the mark of God in their very skin.
The White Man is responsible for perpetuating slavery. The White Man is responsible for perpetuating racism. The White Man's actions throughout history cover five of the seven deadly sins. The White Man envies the chosen for their favored status with God. The White Man has perfected greed and extravagance to an art form.
And what of pride/vanity? The Bible says that God made man in his own image. But I say that The White Man has made God in his own image. Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Bethlehem is in the Middle East. Have you ever seen Jesus depicted with Middle Eastern features? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as a Hispanic? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as an Oriental/Asian? Have you ever seen Jesus depicted as an African? I never have. I have only ever seen Jesus depicted as a Caucasian. How audacious is that? And let's not even get started on The White Man rewriting history to glorify himself.
I could rant on but I have run out of steam. This came out of a comment a friend made on a social networking site about "how 'off the mark' our notion of Jesus can be." It started as a bit of satirical commentary but I have come to see so many contradictions (one even pointed out by a priest during a Christmas mass!) within and between modern religions and so many updated interpretations (check the Wikipedia entry for the Seven Deadly Sins) that it's hard to know what to believe. It's hard to know in what to put my faith. It's why I don't go to church.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I have faith that God has a plan for me and that plan will unfold in God's time, not mine. Maybe not going to church is hampering my faith. How can I learn if I don't seek to be taught? But is it teaching or is it brainwashing? I mean, have you ever seen a Catholic mass? All the standing and sitting and kneeling and canned group responses to prompts from the priest like so many zombies. It's creepy when you really look at it.
I mean, for crying out loud, L. Ron Hubbard made up a religion on a dare and people take it seriously. I'm not saying they're wrong but who's to say who is right? Are the Catholics right because they look down upon the Baptists for their gathering and display of wealth rather than investing in philanthropic endeavors? Are the Baptists right for believing that Catholics are going to Hell because they aren't baptized as adults and don't profess that Jesus is their personal Lord and savior? Is the man on the corner right who preaches that Heaven is a chocolate choo-choo train and God is its monkey conductor? The one truth I can put my faith in is that when I cast off this mortal shell and my spirit moves on to the next plane of existence - when I go to meet God - I will learn what, exactly, is beyond this Earthly existence.
I don't know why this spark lit such a fire. I think it has been smoldering inside me for some time now but I have been unable or unwilling to put it into words. I don't even know what it really means now that I have put it into words. Maybe I should seek answers. Or should I wait for God to reveal them to me? Do you see my confusion?
Comments. PLEASE. I want to know what you think. Even if you just thought my opening was kinda fun (or kinda scary).
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Oh No, Not Another Learning Experience
I have studied management for several years. I have learned how to handle difficult people. I have learned how to create and present performance reviews. I have learned how to deliver performance improvement plans. I have learned about motivating people, working with different personality types and effectively allocating resources.
What I am learning now is that there is a difference between management and leadership. I have been in management roles before and handled them pretty well. I was previously in what I thought was a management roll that I am now realizing was a leadership role and I failed. I learned things, but I failed. I now find myself in another leadership role. The difference this time is that I have come to realize that it is a leadership role and I have begun to realize the difference.
As I see it, a management role is about managing resources. It can be one of logistics - getting something to a certain place at a certain time to fulfill a certain need. It can be one of mediation - helping people to get along. It can be one of many things.
A Leadership role is similar in many ways to a management role but it is also very different. A leadership role often includes the management role but has an added element. That added element might be one of direction - devising a plan and setting goals. It might be one of innovation - figuring out new, better and more efficient ways to accomplish goals. It might be one of motivation, although this one is often part of a management role as well. It is most certainly one of getting people to respect, trust and follow you.
So, at what I thought was the end of a journey - gaining employment in management - where I might have the option of coasting to the finish is really the beginning of an entirely new adventure. I still have a lot to learn about management but I find that I have much much more to learn about leadership.
What I am learning now is that there is a difference between management and leadership. I have been in management roles before and handled them pretty well. I was previously in what I thought was a management roll that I am now realizing was a leadership role and I failed. I learned things, but I failed. I now find myself in another leadership role. The difference this time is that I have come to realize that it is a leadership role and I have begun to realize the difference.
As I see it, a management role is about managing resources. It can be one of logistics - getting something to a certain place at a certain time to fulfill a certain need. It can be one of mediation - helping people to get along. It can be one of many things.
A Leadership role is similar in many ways to a management role but it is also very different. A leadership role often includes the management role but has an added element. That added element might be one of direction - devising a plan and setting goals. It might be one of innovation - figuring out new, better and more efficient ways to accomplish goals. It might be one of motivation, although this one is often part of a management role as well. It is most certainly one of getting people to respect, trust and follow you.
So, at what I thought was the end of a journey - gaining employment in management - where I might have the option of coasting to the finish is really the beginning of an entirely new adventure. I still have a lot to learn about management but I find that I have much much more to learn about leadership.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Realities
My sister was prompted by a post about someones anxiety and depression to share her own tale. In her story, she said "I truly believe that once you have been to the dark place that it is very very easy to get back there." And I find that very true.
Imagine this: You drive to work every day by the same route. There is nothing special about it. There are stoplights, and side streets, and homes and businesses but they are simply objects you pass. You may or may not take notice of them.
Now imagine this: You're driving around town and you have a horrible accident or some other traumatic experience. You realize that the location of this incident is on one of the side streets you pass by or in front of one of the buildings you pass. From then on (or at least for a very long time), every time you pass that street or look at that building, all you can think is that just down that street or just in front of that building is where that bad thing happened. And it makes you nervous. And maybe you feel like you can't breathe. And maybe you start to shake. And maybe it bothers you all day. And maybe you wonder how you can possibly handle driving by there on your way home because it's the only way you can go. You have to drive by there.
Scene one is like those who have never experienced depression or anxiety or have only seen it from the outside. They are unable to understand what the big deal is about a street or a building or "the dark place."
Scene two is a view from the inside. Sometimes you know how to avoid the dark place. Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes you see something that reminds you but is nowhere near the dark place but your mind takes you there anyway.
There are varying levels of depression and mental illness. Some of us never have to deal with it or can simply "shake it off" but others get trapped by it.
I don't know exactly why I wrote this. I don't even know where I'm going with it. Maybe I'm just trying to make you understand what it's like for that friend, relative or family member. Maybe I'm just trying to tell you that I understand what tortures you and to tell you you're not alone.
Imagine this: You drive to work every day by the same route. There is nothing special about it. There are stoplights, and side streets, and homes and businesses but they are simply objects you pass. You may or may not take notice of them.
Now imagine this: You're driving around town and you have a horrible accident or some other traumatic experience. You realize that the location of this incident is on one of the side streets you pass by or in front of one of the buildings you pass. From then on (or at least for a very long time), every time you pass that street or look at that building, all you can think is that just down that street or just in front of that building is where that bad thing happened. And it makes you nervous. And maybe you feel like you can't breathe. And maybe you start to shake. And maybe it bothers you all day. And maybe you wonder how you can possibly handle driving by there on your way home because it's the only way you can go. You have to drive by there.
Scene one is like those who have never experienced depression or anxiety or have only seen it from the outside. They are unable to understand what the big deal is about a street or a building or "the dark place."
Scene two is a view from the inside. Sometimes you know how to avoid the dark place. Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes you see something that reminds you but is nowhere near the dark place but your mind takes you there anyway.
There are varying levels of depression and mental illness. Some of us never have to deal with it or can simply "shake it off" but others get trapped by it.
I don't know exactly why I wrote this. I don't even know where I'm going with it. Maybe I'm just trying to make you understand what it's like for that friend, relative or family member. Maybe I'm just trying to tell you that I understand what tortures you and to tell you you're not alone.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Daffynition
Obstressed: To be so obsessed with accomplishing something that it causes great stress if you cannot accomplish it.
Example: Trying for a week to buy something off ebay just to get sniped every. single. time.
Usage: I'm really obstressed over buying that widget on ebay. I'm obstressed about this move.
Example: Trying for a week to buy something off ebay just to get sniped every. single. time.
Usage: I'm really obstressed over buying that widget on ebay. I'm obstressed about this move.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Lots Of Things On My Mind
I read another blog today about someone's cat dying. I couldn't finish reading it. It made me too sad. I thought maybe I could tell you about my cat the way he told about his.
I received a 'believe in God or he'll smite you' message from my father. I believe in God and I see His work in my life. I thought maybe I'd write an entry about why I don't go to church and where I stand in my beliefs.
I finally started fiddling with one of the two extra computers I have. I thought maybe I'd tell you about installing and using Ubuntu linux (I'm using that box to write this entry, by the way).
Then I thought, maybe I'll just make a note of those and, perhaps, someday I will write about them in detail.
I received a 'believe in God or he'll smite you' message from my father. I believe in God and I see His work in my life. I thought maybe I'd write an entry about why I don't go to church and where I stand in my beliefs.
I finally started fiddling with one of the two extra computers I have. I thought maybe I'd tell you about installing and using Ubuntu linux (I'm using that box to write this entry, by the way).
Then I thought, maybe I'll just make a note of those and, perhaps, someday I will write about them in detail.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Random Irony
Why is it that the products that Microsoft products have the most compatibility issues with are other Microsoft products?
I encoded a video in Windows Media Video (wmv) format and embedded it into a web page. It plays just fine in Firefox. Opera has no problem whatsoever with it. Internet Explorer apparently has no idea what to do with it.
I encoded a video in Windows Media Video (wmv) format and embedded it into a web page. It plays just fine in Firefox. Opera has no problem whatsoever with it. Internet Explorer apparently has no idea what to do with it.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Caveat Emptor or "A Fool And His Money..."
When I got back to Kevin's house and got in my car, the first thing I did was plug the bluetooth headphones in to charge... nothing happened. I've been fiddling with them all weekend. The light flashes once as I plug in the charger but that's all it will do. It's probably due to a minor power spike.
My suspicion is the battery is dead: Dead dead. I opened them up and I was seeing voltage at the battery when I had the charger plugged in but nothing from the battery itself. I looked online and the only reference I could find for the battery (which would be a b$%ch to change anyway) was the battery manufacturer and there was no way to buy it. I'm waiting to hear back from a company that says they can get any parts for this brand but I'm not holding out much hope. $20 down the tubes unless the manufacturer has pitty on me (I contacted them also). To rub salt in the wound, I was looking online and Best Buy has them on sale for $25. I could have stopped in one of the stores on the way home and bought them new with full warranty backing for about the same as I paid for them. And eBay has them for even cheaper.
Oh, I've tried to soften the blow. I bought one of the motherboards at the same time and the guy gave me a "deal" but I put it down in my mind as a discount on the mobo, not the headphones.
On the lighter side of things, the motherboard works fine... except that it's not recognizing the AGP video card. But for what I'm using it for, the onboard video is just fine.
Basically, I got caught up in some things and had some money burning a hole in my pocket. Of course, I wouldn't be feeling this way if the headphones actually worked.
My suspicion is the battery is dead: Dead dead. I opened them up and I was seeing voltage at the battery when I had the charger plugged in but nothing from the battery itself. I looked online and the only reference I could find for the battery (which would be a b$%ch to change anyway) was the battery manufacturer and there was no way to buy it. I'm waiting to hear back from a company that says they can get any parts for this brand but I'm not holding out much hope. $20 down the tubes unless the manufacturer has pitty on me (I contacted them also). To rub salt in the wound, I was looking online and Best Buy has them on sale for $25. I could have stopped in one of the stores on the way home and bought them new with full warranty backing for about the same as I paid for them. And eBay has them for even cheaper.
Oh, I've tried to soften the blow. I bought one of the motherboards at the same time and the guy gave me a "deal" but I put it down in my mind as a discount on the mobo, not the headphones.
On the lighter side of things, the motherboard works fine... except that it's not recognizing the AGP video card. But for what I'm using it for, the onboard video is just fine.
Basically, I got caught up in some things and had some money burning a hole in my pocket. Of course, I wouldn't be feeling this way if the headphones actually worked.
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