Musings for MLK day

Yesterday, I went to see "Hidden Figures." The story follows three black women who were part of the early NASA space launches. These ladies were mathematical geniuses and were responsible for calculations critical to the successful launch, landing, and recovery of our spacecraft. They and their role were never recognized until recently because they were female and they were black.

I grew up in a fairly progressive household. Skin color was no more than a descriptive trait and carried no more weight about the person themselves than hair or eye color. I was born toward the end of the civil rights movement and by the time I was aware, blacks were supposedly equal in the eyes of the law. I had heard they were treated unfairly but it meant no more to me at the time than hearing of the plight of the American Indian. Race riots and the Trail of Tears were equally outside my scope of true understanding.

I will admit that I bought into some of the propaganda about the differences in caucasions and blacks. I don't know where I picked it up but I honestly believed that blacks were mentally inferior to whites by simple genetics. Their brains were simply incapable of the same capacity. I didn't speak of it much because it was never really relevant but I mention it now because it illustrates my ignorance.

In the fourth grade, I started in the magnet school program in Tulsa, OK. The magnet school program took students from across the city and put them together for a fully integrated learning environment. This was not forced bussing. You had to apply and be accepted into the magnet program. Per my understanding at the time the goal was to be 50% white and 50% black or as close as they could get. I continued in the magnet school program through high school graduation and I met some of the most incredible, talented, and intelligent people of all races.

As I watched the movie yesterday I came to the realization that I do not understand and cannot understand the reality that people of color or non-caucasion races have to endure. The best I can do is to recognize when someone - anyone - is being treated differently and do what I can to correct that. But, like the characters in the film, my view is forever colored by the "caucasion colored glasses" through which I see the world. Sometimes I just don't have the capacity to recognize those injustices. Maybe we, caucasions, are the ones who are mentally inferior. Not by genetics but by experience.

There is a very powerful scene in the film where Katherine (Taraji P. Henson) finally boils over. She has been assigned to one of the main buildings from the colored computing group. As it turns out, the only colored ladies restroom on the entire campus is in the building that houses the colored computing group - almost a quarter mile away from the building where she is assigned. Her boss, Director Al Harrison (Kevin Costner), finally confronts her for being MIA for long periods of time every day. "Where do you go?" He asks. "To the bathroom." Comes her simple reply. "For fourty minutes!?" He's not angry but obviously being managerial, trying to address an issue. That's when she breaks. She explains to him her half-mile hike to get to and from the bathroom because there are no colored restrooms in any other building and it opens a crack in the flood gates as she educates her boss and co-workers about the kind of discrimination she has to endure. And you can see the awakening in Costner's eyes. You can see that she shone a light directly through his caucasion colored glasses so that he could see... so that he could understand just a fraction of what she has to go through for no other reason than she has dark skin.

It was in that moment that I realized I was like the Al Harrison character. I don't see it. It's nearly impossible for me to see the truth because my experience has not been painted with the same brush... or even the same paint. And, truth be told, sometimes that paint comes with prejudice mixed right in. I cannot stop my mind from reflexively telling me to shy away from someone who looks "less" than I do. I even do it sometimes with people I've known for over thirty years. I have to make a conscious effort to correct myself and recognize that our experience is different and not to judge them. And I hate that. I hate that I constantly have to tell myself that but I hope I will recognize and treasure the day when I don't: When none of us do.

Fear And Anger

I am looking for my greatness.

Will my star shine bright or will I let it continue to be dim?

I am afraid.

If I hold back I will waste potential.

If I try too hard I may burn out and end up as a black hole.

I hold myself back.

I lie to myself that the resources are finite and I must not use them up. There is only so much I can use.

But when I lie I only increase my own resistance. I excuse myself from trying.

I know that the resources are replenished with each attempt - successful or not. Failure is always an option.

But I am afraid.

I want to throw everything into the fire and let it explode in spectacular fashion but it doesn't work like that.

Like gunpowder outside of a bullet it fizzles in a brief, anticlimactic poof.

I do not like the slow burn.

I want to see the elephant devoured not eaten one small bite at a time.

I am frustrated by my desire for quick results.

I fear I will lose interest and walk away from my greatness without ever knowing it.

I have done many things that I thought would grow if I only gave them attention only to find I'm not very good at them.

I try something else and it, too, withers.

Why do I stop when things get difficult?

Why do I never practice?

I took piano lessons for six years and never got past the simplified versions of the sheet music.

I want things to come naturally, to just happen. I know it doesn't really happen like that. All examples of greatness are stories of hard work and dedication.

I am afraid.

I have taken the next step in my perceived evolution and have failed miserably. More than once.

I like the low-hanging fruit but I'm truly not afraid to climb the tree... if I can see how to reach what I want. The fat, juicy, ripe fruit at the top of the canopy is so far out of site that I don't want to reach for it for fear of getting to the top only to find sour fruit or none at all. All the time ignoring the spectacular view.

I'm going to climb. I don't know where I will end up.

I started trying to write something prophetic here. An organized, insightful revelation of my thought processes so far. I took the first step, why not just take the second? The truth is it's not organized - as you can see. So this was just a stream of consciousness thing. I stopped where I did because I was starting to get angry with myself for telling myself it is better to have false, inaccurate limits than unreachable goals (that really aren't unreachable).

Maybe next time I should make a list of my accomplishments. A list of the things I know how to do, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Maybe that will help me see that I'm shining brighter than I think I am.

Find You Own Greatness

All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. - Doctor Who, The Rings of Akhaten

There are times in life when you see people surpass you who started at the same point you did or maybe a little behind. There are also times when you see someone being successful at the life you thought you would have. It is difficult not to compare yourself to them. It is difficult not to say, "That could be me." We all know that we are unique with our own blend of talents and shortcomings. We all know that we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. But how do we embrace that uniqueness?

I was listening to my iPhone shuffle through all of the music uploaded to it when Ready to Hang by Wayman Tisdale came on. I probably met Wayman at some point since we went to the same high school but I couldn't tell you if he would have recognized me or not. He and my older sister were in the same class and knew each other well enough that Wayman once recognized my brother, who is one year younger than my sister, when Wayman walked past my him on an airplane. He stopped and asked my brother something like, "Aren't you Mary's brother?"

I was thinking about that story, that my brother likes to tell, and it got me to thinking about Wayman's life. He was a basketball star in high school, college and in the NBA. He even went to the Olympics. Wayman went on to have a music career and released eight albums. At one point I learned that he had taught himself how to play the bass... and he was pretty good at it. In 2007 he was diagnosed with cancer and had part of his leg amputated in 2008. He died in May of 2009.

I was reflecting on all of this: All of the amazing things he had done in his life despite it being cut short. Of course I'm no Wayman Tisdale. My star does not shine nearly as bright and it likely never will. What I want, however, is to be remembered as having done something with my life.

That's when it hit me: We can't all be the bright star in the sky but we can all shine in our own way. The trick is to find your own greatness. It doesn't matter that someone does something faster or better than you.

I was trying to finish that thought by saying, "What does matter..." but I'm not sure exactly what that is yet. I think that's part of what I'm looking for. This is just the first, tiny step and I hope I don't get distracted from this path. I need to find my greatness. I might already have it or it may be completely unrealized and yet to come. I have a friend that calls it Grabbing the Starfish. She explains it as "Knowing and working towards that one thing that you are supposed to be doing with your life." It sounded like a thousand other existential platitudes but I think I get it now.

Stay tuned. I'll probably bring you along for the ride.

I'm Still Standing

A friend recently noted that I hadn't updated in a while so here I am. It's been a little over three weeks since I posted but over a month since I've really given any sort of personal update (okay, a month and a half) so here goes.

I am about three weeks employed at this point and I've even already received my first paycheck. I am not going to mention who my employer is until I've read the social media policy but I can say that it is somewhere I worked previously and they are very pleased to have me back. I have spent all my time so far in training. There has been some new information on a different product line than I worked with/will be working with and the other stuff is starting to come back to me. I am a little disappointed with the pace and organization of the training and I plan to offer some constructive criticism. It's not terrible but could be improved.

The unemployment came through just about the time I was offered the job. We were hanging by a fraying thread so the timing was very good for both events. I didn't relish the hearing. I felt like my previous employer was stomping on me again and telling me I was a bad person. You would be proud of me, though. I stuck to the matter at hand. I did not argue being dismissed or the methods used and I did not try to defend my actions regarding any of the documented incidents. I stayed on topic and refuted the documented reason for the dismissal. The Oklahoma Employment Security Commission agreed with me that I was not dismissed "for cause" and there was no "misconduct" involved.

One thing the experience did for me was to make me look differently at the unemployed. As a supervisor in a couple different positions I had to look at applications from those that were unemployed. If their skills met our needs I had no problem interviewing them but there was always this feeling in the back of my mind that they might be damaged goods. Why were they unemployed? What was wrong that they no longer had a job? Well, that bias is gone.

I was hesitant to go back to this employer. Although I loved the company, the work environment, and the people I worked with (even the rotten apples), I couldn't stand the work. I didn't want to go back to that.

The more I thought about it the more advantages I thought of in working for the company. I went through the motions and got re-hired but was still cautious. Having been back in the environment for several weeks with the experience of the last two years behind me, I have realized that I am exactly where I need to be. Though the work may become routine again I think I can muster through this time and wait for the training and advancement opportunities.

That's about it, I guess. If you have any questions about what else might be going on, leave a comment or drop me an email.

DISCLAIMER: I do not speak for my employer, and my employer does not speak for me.

Home Theater

I love movies. There have been times in my life, for several months at a time, you could find me at the movie theater every weekend. There are very few movies I regret having seen (Joe vs. The Volcano tops that very short list). I just really enjoy spending a couple of hours immersed in a world where the good guys (almost) always win, the right guy always gets the girl, and the protagonist delivers the perfect verbal riposte at the perfect moment and says something that we've always wanted to say to someone. I like television almost as much as I like movies. Like many Americans, the television is usually on whenever I am awake.

In broadcasting, there are two terms that explain how things often operate in my house, especially on the weekends. One is Least Objectionable Program. When you're channel flipping and your significant other and you find a program that neither of you is particularly enamored with but you both say, "yeah, that'll work," because there's nothing better on, that's Least Objectionable Program.

The second term is Tuning Inertia. Tuning Inertia is just what it sounds like. Whether you're watching a LOP or your favorite show, you leave it on that station to watch whatever comes on next - whatever that may be - because you have no objection to it and you don't want to make the effort to lean forward to pick up the remote.

Lately, I have seriously tired of these two concepts. I have easily over 100 DVDs and Blu-Ray discs and several of them are still in their shrink wrap. I know that if I landed on one of these movies playing on one of the OTA networks or TBS or some other cable network I would sit there and watch it... commercials and all. What's the sense in doing that? I have the movie right there and can watch it unedited, uncensored and without commercial interruption. I'm just too lazy to get up off my fat ass and slide the disc into the player.

No more! I have decided that if there is nothing I really want to watch on TV and I have the time, I am going to watch one of those movies that I own. I just pick one. Sometimes it's a specific movie, sometimes it's one of a particular genre. It doesn't matter. If I'm going to go for a personal LOP, it might as well be something I, at least once, fooled myself into believing was something I wanted to watch more than once.

Oh No, Not Another Learning Experience

I have studied management for several years. I have learned how to handle difficult people. I have learned how to create and present performance reviews. I have learned how to deliver performance improvement plans. I have learned about motivating people, working with different personality types and effectively allocating resources.

What I am learning now is that there is a difference between management and leadership. I have been in management roles before and handled them pretty well. I was previously in what I thought was a management roll that I am now realizing was a leadership role and I failed. I learned things, but I failed. I now find myself in another leadership role. The difference this time is that I have come to realize that it is a leadership role and I have begun to realize the difference.

As I see it, a management role is about managing resources. It can be one of logistics - getting something to a certain place at a certain time to fulfill a certain need. It can be one of mediation - helping people to get along. It can be one of many things.

A Leadership role is similar in many ways to a management role but it is also very different. A leadership role often includes the management role but has an added element. That added element might be one of direction - devising a plan and setting goals. It might be one of innovation - figuring out new, better and more efficient ways to accomplish goals. It might be one of motivation, although this one is often part of a management role as well. It is most certainly one of getting people to respect, trust and follow you.

So, at what I thought was the end of a journey - gaining employment in management - where I might have the option of coasting to the finish is really the beginning of an entirely new adventure. I still have a lot to learn about management but I find that I have much much more to learn about leadership.

That's My Story And I'm Sticking To It

Eleven months ago, to the day, I was released from my job. Since then, I have been bent, folded, spindled and mutilated. I have tried to make sense of everything that happened to me and have tried to accept all of it but generally failed miserably. I have been running from my circumstance and constantly trying to get back to some state I think I should be in but never actually achieved. To put it more simply, I have been second-guessing my actions over the past 30 months.

In my current situation, I have been basically miserable. Part of that has been physical, part of it has been attitude. I worked to convince myself that I hate my commute and don't like my job. While my situation isn't ideal, I have come to realize that I am actually in a pretty good position.

I have made a decision. I have decided to stay put, stop lamenting my situation, and take advantage of some opportunities the company I work for extends. I am going to learn what I can about the job that I do, advance as I am allowed, and get certified as much as possible.

That Was The Year That Was

So here we are at the end of 2007 and I present to you my recap of the year's events as they have happened in my life. 2007 was the year that I:

• Saw Star Wars again for the first time.
• Discovered that hard drives sing when they die.
• Learned, without a doubt, where I stood with my former employer.
• Understood what it was to be unemployed.
• Then re-employed.
• Then unemployed again.
• Discovered and employed the use of blog labels.
• Started listening to podcasts. (my favorites are Geek News Central, The Naked Scientists, Buzz Out Loud, and TWiT)
• Learned how to pack a house in two weeks for an interstate move.
• And discovered it really can't be done with all the crap we had.
• Got pushed way out of my comfort zone.
• Remembered what it was like to deal with a landlord.
• Turned the big Four-Oh.
• Decided Windows Vista Media Center was nothing short of AWFUL.
• Learned all about FROG rooms.
• Decided that John Lennon was the brains behind the Beatles.
• Experienced epicurial culture shock.
• Experienced medical culture shock.
• Was exposed to scams for the unemployed.
• Celebrated my FOURTH year of blogging (late again).
• Learned more about being "Uncle Bubby"
• Did a little stargazing outside a SciFi convention.
• Tried to make sense of it all.
• Felt the iPhone was a foolish investment (I still do).
• Reached a turning point.
• Learned where I really needed to be.
• Watched a beloved pet die.
• Experienced a paradigm shift.
• Decided to never eat a Taco Bell EVER AGAIN!!
• Was truly thankful for many things.
• Reviewed Windows Vista after a year... and found it lacking.
• Took a look at recording industry paranoia throughout the years.

Wow, it's been a really big year and a lot has happened in the past twelve months. I have experienced a lot of things for the first time. I have experienced a lot of things that I didn't want to experience again or never wanted to experience in the first place. But through it all, I have survived and, more importantly, I have learned. I don't know if I am a better person for it but I do know that I am a different person for it.

Musings

It's been a rough few weeks around here. Last night was an exclamation point - a big, bold, italicized exclamation point - somewhere in the paragraph that is this time of my life. It could be much worse. Those closest to me know why. Sorry I can't share it with all of you.

Life moves forward. I don't know if I mentioned it but I signed the papers accepting the job offer in Oklahoma City and sent them off. I've made several arrangements for the move and there are several more to make. I make progress every day on packing. Today was a big day. The room I'm sitting in right now is practically empty save for the computer, its associated peripherals and a hotel-style writing desk too big to place in the garage right now.

Tomorrow, I tackle the spare bedroom. We weren't actively using it so there isn't much that needs to be packed - at least, I don't think so - but I need to move the treadmill out and pack up several small items. Moving the treadmill involves removing the arms and not reattaching them until I reach the garage.

Speaking of the garage, it's getting quite full. I'm moving as much out there as I can to help expedite the loading process next Thursday. I have no concept of the capacity of a 26-foot U-Haul (although, I know you can get a small, single-engine plane in one - I've seen the pictures) so with each box and each piece of furniture, I wonder if it is all going to fit. It is for this reason, in part, that I hired a couple of people from a local moving company (via emove.com) to assist with loading the truck. I figure they'll pack it in tighter than I possibly could and will pack it safer than I possibly could.

Life has become very surreal over the past few weeks. A lot of my previous perceptions have been deconstructed. Things that used to matter a lot are no longer as important and things I used to take for granted are of the utmost importance to me. There has been a lot of stress. There have been a lot of tears. Life moves us toward a new, but familiar, destination. It will be an adventure, to be certain. Life always is. But the sense of excitement, wonderment and anticipation are absent this time around. Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep, I'm tired, and I'm rambling... could go either way.

In the midst of all of this, I saw a sign someone had made. It read, "He never said it would be easy. Just that it would be worth it." I think I'm going to hang on that one for a while.

Stay safe, everybody, and I'll see you soon.

Checking In

There's a lot going on but not much I can talk about. We are moving home and will be back before the end of the month. I am working to finalize when and how.

Interestingly enough, I have had more activity in my job search in the past two weeks (since applying exclusively in Oklahoma) that I have in the past six months. I got a call just this afternoon about something I applied for late last week (we've only exchanged voice mails so far).

I'm not sure why we were sent here. The answer may never be revealed to me. I do know that we belong home - in Oklahoma or at least in the general vicinity. The way things operate here in Boise, we might as well be in a foreign country. Many of the customs are just as different.

I'd Like My Crayons Back, Please (Whacked Up Side The Head With A Good Idea)

I was perusing other blogs again and came upon an interesting "cartoon" that was simply a bunch of squigglies and the words, "You're either a poet, or you're dead." The post linked to an article over at gapingvoid entitled How To Be Creative. It caught my eye because of the following list:

So you want to be more creative, in art, in business, whatever. Here are some tips that have worked for me over the years:

1. Ignore everybody.
2. The idea doesn't have to be big. It just has to change the world.
3. Put the hours in.
4. If your biz plan depends on you suddenly being "discovered" by some big shot, your plan will probably fail.
5. You are responsible for your own experience.
6. Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten.
7. Keep your day job.
8. Companies that squelch creativity can no longer compete with companies that champion creativity.
9. Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb.
10. The more talented somebody is, the less they need the props.
11. Don't try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.
12. If you accept the pain, it cannot hurt you.
13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.
14. Dying young is overrated.
15. The most important thing a creative person can learn professionally is where to draw the red line that separates what you are willing to do, and what you are not.
16. The world is changing.
17. Merit can be bought. Passion can't.
18. Avoid the Watercooler Gang.
19. Sing in your own voice.
20. The choice of media is irrelevant.
21. Selling out is harder than it looks.
22. Nobody cares. Do it for yourself.
23. Worrying about "Commercial vs. Artistic" is a complete waste of time.
24. Don't worry about finding inspiration. It comes eventually.
25. You have to find your own schtick.
26. Write from the heart.
27. The best way to get approval is not to need it.
28. Power is never given. Power is taken.
29. Whatever choice you make, The Devil gets his due eventually.
30. The hardest part of being creative is getting used to it.
31. Remain frugal.

The article then goes on to explain each of those points. I encourage each of you to go read it. It is the most useful thing I have read in a long time and it's an easy read. It has inspired me to once again and seriously pick up a project I have been tinkering with for the past six or seven years. I will make a serious attempt to get above the snow line. (If you go read it, you'll understand that - and the title)

How Do You Take An Attitude Shower?

I was checking out the blog of another Joe Fusco when I came across a link to an article entitled Happiness is a Moral Obligation by Dennis Prager. Prager has some wonderful points about happiness and the effects unhappiness has on people. The part that Fusco quoted and that drew me to the article was as follows:

"We should regard bad moods as we do offensive body odor. Just as we shower each day so as not to inflict our body odors on others, so we should monitor our bad moods so as not to inflict them on others. We shower partly for ourselves and partly out of obligation to others. The same should hold true vis a vis moods; and just as we avoid those who do not do something about their body odor we should avoid whenever possible those who do nothing about their bad moods."

Interresting. I will endeavor to do this but the question becomes, how to take an attitude shower? How do we wash away our bad mood? I'm going to work on this. I will find an answer - At least, one that works for me - and I will let you know. If you have an answer that works for you, please leave a comment.

Making The Turn

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday. For many people, this is a turning point in their life. They spend a lot of time in introspective examination and end up stressing themselves out. What I've heard is that people end up with feelings of failure because they are not where they expected/hoped to be at this point in their life. From that, they try to recapture their youth or make drastic changes in their lives.

This is not going to happen to me. First, I did some of that when I turned 30. I looked at my life and decided I didn't like the path I was on and would feel a lack of accomplishment when I turned 40 if I stayed on that path. I made a career change and haven't looked back.

To be honest, I had been thinking some of those, "Is this where I want / wanted to be?" thoughts since the beginning of the year. I was considering a few changes - nothing drastic - but life took care of that on its own. I now live in a new town, I'll soon have a new job, I'll be meeting new people and enjoying new experiences. Rather than having to make sweeping changes searching for renewal, life has made those changes for me and I am most certainly experiencing a renewal. It's a bit scary but I think I'm going to like it.

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p.s. I didn't quite get everything packed at the house. There's still some stuff in the garage, bedroom and kitchen. If I'd had another day I could have finished but the Job Skills Workshop provided me with some invaluable information for my job search. It was a good trade. The universe has been unfolding as it should lately so I will let finishing up the packing and moving our belongings from storage take care of themselves. The solutions to those challenges will reveal themselves in time.